As I have written about this before,  you may remember that I am something of a Diva when it comes to wine.  I’m accustomed to having someone else open, pour, and serve it to me.  In exchange, I do things like wash his underwear and cook most meals.

Dearly Beloved being the DWS–Designated Wine Steward– around here,  I have never had reason to hone my corkscrew skills.  In fact, I don’t have any.

Here, again, is Exhibit A:

Non-traditional wine-opening tools

After that post (Whine Opener),  you kindly offered suggestions as to what I might do when left to my own devices.

I bought a better corkscrew as you suggested, but to be honest, I have been buying screw top wines for those Husband in Absentia wine times.  There have been no serious injuries, except for a couple of foil cuts.

Last week I bought a new wine, thinking it had a screw-top.  When I peeled away the foil, there was no screw top.  There was no corkscrew.   There was only this:

Communion wafer?

Manufacturers probably have good reasons for changing their packaging.  Toddlers haven’t always been able to flatten soft drink cans.  Machetes haven’t always been required to cut our way to a AA battery.   Jar lids used to tighten enough that juice didn’t run to the bottom of the fridge if someone knocked the pickle jar over.

Now I’m willing to change with the times… go with the flow… but this was a new low.

A tiddlywink top.

If I remembered the name of the wine, I’d tell you.  In all capital letters.

Perhaps I’ll look into another of your suggestions:  boxed wines.   Right now, this bottle suits my mood:

Pass me a straw.


7 thoughts on “ALL CAPS

  1. This put a smile on my face early this morning… but I’m a firm believer that every girl should know how to open a bottle of wine via corkscrew and how to change a tire!


  2. Now that is weird but someone is making big bucks with that wafer. Guess it does save on materials.
    Thanks for the smiles and if I drank, I’d head straight for the Mad Housewife wine.

  3. So, how is the Mad Housewife chardonnay? It’s a perfect label after your last post. I totally agree with Jane…you’ve GOT to learn to proficiently use a wine opener. Just imagine the look on DB’s face when you say, “Honey, I’ll get the wine. What kind do you want?” Oh, you’d better follow with, “I’ll still wash your underwear and cook.”

    I’m looking forward to future posts showing the wine opener that finally set you free. Don’t give up. You CAN do this.

  4. I have opened a bottle of wine once….for cooking purposes….all I got was lots of little broken pieces of cork in the food…..I’ll stick to Coke Zero… the cork problems….
    And I really do use a hot dog bun in my meatloaf…it seems Hebrew National finds the need to only package 7 dogs per package….I guess they don’t know that buns come in an 8 pack….so I always have that extra bun….

  5. That wine looks like it was open by a ban of terrorists! I feel like we should tweet for the ransom money–in case they are holding you hostage.

  6. Hmmm, we must be related cuz that’s the kind of mess I leave behind when I try to uncork a bottle of wine! lol I couldn’t believe it when you showed that thin wafer of a cap that was on the wine bottle, I’ve never seen anything like it. I must have about 10 different types of wine openers but they all scare me!!!!! hehe xoxo

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