The Secret Life of Horny Bees

I’m no Chicken Little, despite what my husband says.  You can take this to the bank:  this is one especially sexy spring.  I’ve never seen anything like the invasion of the horny bees.

As usual, we’ve been seriously (apologies to SpellCheck) pollen-ated.

Pollen on pavement.

That’s a blacktop parking lot covered with yellow pollen.  Those bare places in the foreground are visible only because that much already blew into my eyes and sinuses.

You get my drift?

What I didn’t expect was the invasion of the bumblebees.  Not just regular bumblebees, but carpenter bumblebees.  They’re the ones with toolbelts that make holes in your house and leave sawdust and yellow bee poop around.  Despite Dearly Beloved’s calling me an alarmist, I am confident that they want to turn our humble abode into the Best Bumblebee Brothel in Beachdom.

They’re clumsy little maniacs.  They hit against the window panes in their awkward flight patterns.  They hover in midair and dive-bomb each other in a territorial frenzy.  They deposit sweet come-hither scents along their routes, pheromones so heavy that even humans can smell them, I understand.  Since my swollen sinuses preclude my smelling anything, I can’t vouch for that.

Maniac.

He isn’t on that bush, he’s above it,  hovering there in his brown jacket,  his jaws full of sticky sweetness which he hopes is queen-worthy.   Different species hover at different heights.  Carpenter bumblebee height seems to be right at my ear.   One of the studs tried to get inside mine and I shudder to think of what might have happened in there.   I’m thinking about wearing ear plugs so as to remain true to my marriage vows..

Wikipedia says these horny bees even try to mate with other insects or small birds sometimes.  This one appears to harbor lascivious thoughts toward Miss Piggy as she sleeps, innocently unaware of the crazed lunatic checking her out.

Bee-gone with you!

I read that young children know more about how humans have sex than they do about the birds and the bees. Maybe that’s because a lesson on bee sex would make  Scared Straight seem like a fairy tale.   I’m talking stuff  like prickly peckers, exploding genitalia, and the ultimate in engagement gifts–breaking his organ off inside the Queen so that no other bee can. . . um. . . penetrate.  This can take a considerable amount of time–up to 80 minutes or so, even without Viagra– so one may occasionally see a Queen flying around smoking a cigarette with some numbnut still hanging onto her back as he frantically tries to leave his plug behind, the chastity belt of the insect world.

Don’t teach a science class with the info I’m passing on here, but I swear I read it on several reputable websites.  Go outside… see for yourself.  Oh, and one more recommendation:

Wear earmuffs.

Here's looking at you, Kid!