The Secret Life of Horny Bees

I’m no Chicken Little, despite what my husband says.  You can take this to the bank:  this is one especially sexy spring.  I’ve never seen anything like the invasion of the horny bees.

As usual, we’ve been seriously (apologies to SpellCheck) pollen-ated.

Pollen on pavement.

That’s a blacktop parking lot covered with yellow pollen.  Those bare places in the foreground are visible only because that much already blew into my eyes and sinuses.

You get my drift?

What I didn’t expect was the invasion of the bumblebees.  Not just regular bumblebees, but carpenter bumblebees.  They’re the ones with toolbelts that make holes in your house and leave sawdust and yellow bee poop around.  Despite Dearly Beloved’s calling me an alarmist, I am confident that they want to turn our humble abode into the Best Bumblebee Brothel in Beachdom.

They’re clumsy little maniacs.  They hit against the window panes in their awkward flight patterns.  They hover in midair and dive-bomb each other in a territorial frenzy.  They deposit sweet come-hither scents along their routes, pheromones so heavy that even humans can smell them, I understand.  Since my swollen sinuses preclude my smelling anything, I can’t vouch for that.

Maniac.

He isn’t on that bush, he’s above it,  hovering there in his brown jacket,  his jaws full of sticky sweetness which he hopes is queen-worthy.   Different species hover at different heights.  Carpenter bumblebee height seems to be right at my ear.   One of the studs tried to get inside mine and I shudder to think of what might have happened in there.   I’m thinking about wearing ear plugs so as to remain true to my marriage vows..

Wikipedia says these horny bees even try to mate with other insects or small birds sometimes.  This one appears to harbor lascivious thoughts toward Miss Piggy as she sleeps, innocently unaware of the crazed lunatic checking her out.

Bee-gone with you!

I read that young children know more about how humans have sex than they do about the birds and the bees. Maybe that’s because a lesson on bee sex would make  Scared Straight seem like a fairy tale.   I’m talking stuff  like prickly peckers, exploding genitalia, and the ultimate in engagement gifts–breaking his organ off inside the Queen so that no other bee can. . . um. . . penetrate.  This can take a considerable amount of time–up to 80 minutes or so, even without Viagra– so one may occasionally see a Queen flying around smoking a cigarette with some numbnut still hanging onto her back as he frantically tries to leave his plug behind, the chastity belt of the insect world.

Don’t teach a science class with the info I’m passing on here, but I swear I read it on several reputable websites.  Go outside… see for yourself.  Oh, and one more recommendation:

Wear earmuffs.

Here's looking at you, Kid!
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25 thoughts on “The Secret Life of Horny Bees

  1. I feel like I need to take a shower.

    ( No wonder Bumper is so determined to catch those bees in mid-air. He’s been trying to protect my virtue all these years.)

  2. Thanks! I now consider myself properly pollen educated! Please do feel free to encourage the wee beasties to stay there…I don’t think I could handle with the grace you display :-))
    Chris

  3. This is crazy. I’m scared of those rascals. And I understand about the pollen — I see it everywhere and my nose and sinuses are in full revolt.

    Deliciously erotic post.

  4. Hummm–this is all new to me. And around here no bees yet. Too darned cold–it’s been mostly a cold spring.
    But I will watch out, once it finally warms up.

  5. Dawn Fine

    Hee hee.. You are sooo funny! We are on our way to my Sickstas soon–there are carpenter bees taking over her old shed.. I am sure there is a brothel in the old shed.. I will wear my ear muffs for protection.. 😉

  6. Carpenter bees are little devils. They cause more wood damage than termites. But I was totally unaware of the lascivious side of these fellows or any of the other traits you wrote about. They are sort of like thwe Charlie Sheen of the insect world.

  7. Dang, they make teenagers look pure of thought. That broken off pecker thing has me scratching carpenter bees off my reincarnatiion wish list.
    I will be watching closely now, thanks.

  8. I love these photos, especially the one of fat bee zipping over snoozing doggy!! And yes, bee sex is something else. I love telling people about how honeybees procreate. 🙂

  9. It’s amazing what I learn hanging out in the Blogosphere! I’m not sure I could have survived the rest of my life without knowing that the male bee is stupid enough to break off his manhood to keep the Queen from messing around! You have enlightened me once again and made me laugh till tears dripped from the corners of my eyes. Forget watching the birds – I’m bee watching this summer!

  10. Nancy Leahy

    Great and interesting story about the horny bees. I am 55 and married but no more flrting now that my skin is hanging lower and lower than my bone structure. Hey if can get it from a hornybee I will take and like it!

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