The Damnsquirrel Chronicles: The Invasion Continues

Sometimes I feel a little guilty about the mean things I say about squirrels.  Friends send me pictures of them in oh-so-cute situations.   Am I charmed by such?   Not a chance.  Image 1I’ve also received books on how to get rid of them,  articles on critter control, and videos of contraptions to stump or terrorize them.   One video showed a pricey bird feeder which begins to spin if a squirrel climbs on.  If I had one, the tree rat would spin off and land on my back, or I’d get plastered with squirrel vomit.

These things happen; don’t fool yourself.  Just because I’m paranoid doesn’t mean the little bastards aren’t out to get me.

Look in the neighboring yards and you’ll realize that all the squirrel action is in ours.  They’re running through my azalea beds, digging up the lawn, or chasing each other up the oak tree for gawd knows what deviate purpose.  The goodies we put out to attract birds have transformed our yard into a 5-star rodent restaurant.  It isn’t unusual to see more squirrels than birds hanging around.  Not the plan when we put out all those feeders!


I’ve pulled up all my strawberry plants and have no plans to set out tomatoes this year.  I’ve given up on planting colorful pots of annuals because the squirrels climb onto the pots and yank the plants out like they heard a rumor I hid a sack of peanuts in the bottom.

I’ve resorted to putting anything that might be of interest to them on a table on our second story deck.  My pitiful collection currently consists of a lone tomato plant in a clay pot and a single twig of boxwood that I’m rooting.  Bless pat, I looked out yesterday and damned if one of those varmints wasn’t sitting on the table with the boxwood twig in his paws.  Why, why, why?  Was he using it as a toothpick?  The holes in my tomato plant soil must be precursors of a coming oak tree crop which will root-wrestle my tomato plant into oblivion.

And get this: I came home to find a cable repairman at the back of our lot recently.  When I asked, “Are you improving our service?”  he shook his head.

“I can’t fix this.  They’ll have to send a crew out to put up at least ten feet of new wire.  The squirrels have chewed this one worse than any I’ve ever seen and I’ve been doing it for ten years.

Nothing is sacred around here.  Not on the ground, not in the air.

It isn’t that I hate the damnsquirrels, but I do feel myself sliding in that direction.

Have you watched this amazing video?  

Just so you know, I still rooted for the squirrel.

* * * * * * * * *

“Aunt Prune was holding one of the squirrels in her hand. ‘And once a day, we have ta clean their little private parts with a Q-tip, so they’ll learn ta clean themselves.’
That was a visual I didn’t need”
― Margaret Stohl, Beautiful Creatures




18 thoughts on “The Damnsquirrel Chronicles: The Invasion Continues

  1. I think you have more than the average squirrel problem. That is terrible. I can’t think of a single suggestion for something you have not tried but there must be something to at least cut back the population. I suppose Scout the wonder dog has given up–plus nobody wants to deal with a wounded but not dead squirrel. I think you need to talk to the squirrel busters….whoever they might be.
    Good Luck. God speed. Hang in there and don’t let those uhm BAD BAD( substitute a bad word) get you down! I am rooting for you.

    1. Scout clears the parks of squirrels the minute she gets there, but she’s not as diligent about keeping our yard as squirrel-free as I’d like. She’ll chase them up a tree, but I want her to terrorize them so they decide to move on to a dog-free yard.

  2. Look at that little cutie-pie! I love squirrels! I used to have a squirrel friend who used to wait for me when I was walking to my train station every day and let me tickle his fat little tummy. Maybe the squirrels are just teasing you. Have you actually put out a squirrel nut feeder just for them?

  3. dirtwom

    That is an amazing video! I have never seen a hawk go after a squirrel! If it was easy there would be a dozen hawks hanging around in my yard. There was one on the back fence tearing up a bluejay a couple of weeks ago. I’m sure he’d rather have a koi, but they’ve never gotten one.

    1. I have watched the video several times. Can’t imagine how they filmed it.
      Ugh. I’m not a bluejay fan, but yech. . . you’d think the hawk would have had the decency to take it somewhere else for the slaughter.

    1. You’re right about the cuter outfits. Right now, although the area beneath the oak tree is full of acorns, four of them are in the grass, burrowing down so their heads completely disappear. Looking for what? And all that tail shaking? (shudder) I don’t even want to think about what that means.

  4. Arkansas Patti

    That was an amazing video that had me on the edge of my seat and I actually screamed, “get your little ass in there” as he squeezed into the hole. I once was watching a squirrel high in a tree with binoculars that had a sadly different ending.

    1. I hope not your beautiful garden, though! Even though I dug out all my strawberry plants, I have a few in pots. I’m thinking seriously about bringing the pots onto the screened porch so that I can get to taste what my own darned berries taste like.

  5. ncmountainwoman

    No need to feel guilty about hating the damned squirrels. They are out there purely to drive us crazy. I’m so with you on this one.

  6. Squirrels became INFINITELY less cute to me when they started running around inside the walls of my house!! But on the bright side, they do give you fodder for your hilarious writing!!!

    1. Okay, I’m giving you the Horror Story of the Month award. It gives me the shivers to hear them on the roof. In the walls would send me screaming out into the night. I hope they didn’t do any wire nibbling.

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