Simply FLAB-bergasted

“Unsubscribe” has been the watchword of late around here.  I don’t remember signing up for those Groupon, Amazon, and ShopRunner e-mails, but if I did, it was to receive deals on merchandise I probably didn’t need.

That hasn’t been the case and I haven’t once been tempted to pull out the old credit card.  Mostly, they’ve been for discounted services: winery tours…  massages …  footbaths…  pole dancing lessons….

When Amazon sent out a deal on a fat-blasting boot camp,  I was intrigued by the words “fat-blasting,” but then stopped cold by the accompanying photo:

Seriously, do you see fat blast-worthy in that line of Bony Moronies?  Where are the chin rolls…?  The turkey necks…?   Shouldn’t there be some bellies hanging low in there?   I think my big toes are bigger than a couple of those wrists and I don’t consider my toes to have a weight problem.

Not that I can’t picture myself being an asset to the class.  They could use my upper arms as starting flags.   After that, the vision gets murky.

That lineup and starting position wouldn’t work for me.  Even if somebody goosed me from behind, I’d be stuck unless somebody pulled from the front.  I’m pretty sure my feet would have gone to sleep by then, so I still wouldn’t be able to move.

I can’t blame the foot napping on my age.  Once I attended a women’s meeting where we sat in a circle of chairs.  Until everyone stood for the benediction,  I had no idea that my left foot had gone night-night on me.  I domino-ed seven women before someone solid enough to stay upright stopped the chain reaction.

When our energetic granddog Ivy came to visit a couple of weeks ago, as usual, Dearly Beloved took her for long, brisk walks of several miles.  He’d come back talking about how invigorating it was.  Since thigh-exposure weather is almost here,  I decided to walk Ivy myself.  After all, Ivy’s energy is boundless enough for all of us.

The first day’s walk brought on shin splints.  It’s hard to believe that such a skinny-necked dog could pull that hard.

The next trek injured the Achilles tendon on my right foot.  I’m still limping.

I’m thinking that my exercise walks should include props like shopping carts, preferably in a store and not wandering around sidewalks, of course.   Boot camp is not for me, even if the supplied footwear is leather and zippered.

I’ve got a girl named Bony Moronie.  She’s as skinny as a stick of macaroni. – Larry Williams

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6 thoughts on “Simply FLAB-bergasted

  1. I have hit the Groupon button twice so far-as far as the other crap I get in my inbox, don’t have a clue.
    I admit I always smile too, when I see all these well-fit young women in the advertisement and think you ought to get a line up of some hearty women in throes of menopause. I would definitely hit he enter button.

    Velva

  2. My Odd Family

    So amusing! Ivy looks a little like Nellie Olson in Little House on The Prairie in that picture–on a day where Nellie was kind, of-course.
    Exercise is overrated–If you really want to exercise I have heard good things about swimming….:-D
    Love Groupon and use it all the time but have never used it for anything to do with exercise or Pole Dancing. I love Groupon because if you don’t like the deal you bought or it did not live up to your expectations they refund your money without hesitation. I do think they should take Velva and your advice on marketing ^ those Groupons would sell out much quicker!

  3. Now that would be sooooo funny if it wasn’t so darned close to the truth! And while we are on the subject, why are all the anti-aging products advertised by twenty-somethings? At least the advertisements for “hormone replacement therapy” use older men and women. Even if most of them sound like whining hypochondriacs who never saw a well day.

  4. I have a rule of thumb to never go to a gym where they only advertise with skinny people. It’s just not real! I’m all over Groupon and Living Social though. It was great for Christmas gifts last year!

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