It must be time for new reading glasses because once again, I’m having a difficult time being able to see that fine line distinction between “just different” and “bat sh*t crazy.”
Is it just me?
For instance, when I heard about Holy Smoke, that company in Alabama which will take your cremated ashes and stuff them into ammunition so that the heat your loved ones are packing is YOU, I guessed, “joke.” And guessed wrong.
I didn’t have to look to see to whether it was men or women who came up with this idea and I doubt that they asked for their wives’ opinions, but I’m still surprised that there is a market for their services. Sure, I can imagine Charlton Heston signing up, but he already passed several years ago. It’s hard to say for certain as there are so many dumb jokes out there about him, but I believe that his gun was pried from his cold, dead fingers and auctioned off with the proceeds going to the NRA, so even he might not have gone for this. With his gun gone, wouldn’t that be like getting all dressed up with no place to go?
Holy Smoke was started by two AlaBAMa game wardens, the idea coming to them after a discussion wherein they agreed that their idea of a fine sendoff was to be packed into live ammunition and shot screaming at a turkey at “about 900 feet a second.”
I can’t believe they thought that through. What kind of person would want his loved ones to see a turkey and think of him? Isn’t a turkey a loser? And practically speaking, wouldn’t someone have to pick the The Deceased out of the turkey’s butt before it could be enjoyed?
About one pound of cremated remains can be sent for packing into ‘most any kind of ammunition you want, usually shotgun or rifle shells. You decide which will give more bang for the buck. (If you’re a deer hunter, I get extra points for that double pun. Bam! Bam!)
Most people think 250 rounds (1 lb.) is enough, but as the average cremation yields about four pounds of ashes, so there’s plenty more for creative disposal. I’ve been trying to come up with an app for that as one is never too old for a new career.
Any husband who has planned a hunting trip for after he’s dead better hit a home run with the other three pounds. With the proper packaging, I hope they’ll see the attraction in these cost-effective, user-friendly, truly ecologically sound offerings….
Pillow stuffing: Not that The Deceased should count on The Little Woman humming the old Ray Price song, “Lay your head against my pillow, put your warm and tender body next to mine….for the good times” and curling up. No, I’m thinking that Ol’ Blue would really appreciate having his owner in the dog house with him.
Garden Fertilizer: I really see a lot of promise with that. Robert Burns’ My love is like a red, red rose…. is a lot more romantic than Turkey in the Straw. Throw in some Vigoro and stand back for amazing results.
The company owners advertise their end product as being “ecologically friendly and sound.” How does that work? It’s bad enough to be shot in the face by Dick Cheney, but could one ever get over being shot in the face with Dick Cheney?
Maybe my company motto will be, “There are better ways to shoot someone a bird.”