Unurned.

It must be time for new reading glasses because once again,  I’m having a difficult time being able to see that fine line distinction between “just different” and “bat sh*t crazy.”

Is it just me?

For instance, when I heard about Holy Smoke, that company in Alabama which will take your cremated ashes and stuff them into ammunition so that the heat your loved ones are packing is YOU, I guessed, “joke.”  And guessed wrong.

I didn’t have to look to see to whether it was men or women who came up with this idea and I doubt that they asked for their wives’ opinions, but I’m still surprised that there is a market for their services.  Sure, I can imagine Charlton Heston signing up, but he already passed several years ago.  It’s hard to say for certain as there are so many dumb jokes out there about him, but I believe that his gun was pried from his cold, dead fingers and auctioned off with the proceeds going to the NRA, so even he might not have gone for this.  With his gun gone, wouldn’t that be like getting all dressed up with no place to go?

Holy Smoke was started by two AlaBAMa game wardens, the idea coming to them after a discussion wherein they agreed that their idea of a fine sendoff was to be packed into live ammunition and shot screaming at a turkey at “about 900 feet a second.”

I can’t believe they thought that through.  What kind of person would want his loved ones to see a turkey and think of him?  Isn’t a turkey a loser?  And practically speaking, wouldn’t someone have to pick the The Deceased out of the turkey’s butt before it could be enjoyed?

About one pound of cremated remains can be sent for packing into ‘most any kind of ammunition you want, usually shotgun or rifle shells. You decide which will give more bang for the buck.  (If you’re a deer hunter, I get extra points for that double pun.  Bam!  Bam!)

Most people think 250 rounds (1 lb.) is enough, but as the average cremation yields about four pounds of ashes, so there’s plenty more for creative disposal.  I’ve been trying to come up with an app for that as one is never too old for a new career.

Any husband who has planned a hunting trip for after he’s dead better hit a home run with the other three pounds.  With the proper packaging, I hope they’ll see the attraction in these cost-effective, user-friendly, truly ecologically sound offerings….

Pillow stuffing:  Not that The Deceased should count on The Little Woman humming the old Ray Price song, “Lay your head against my pillow, put your warm and tender body next to mine….for the good times” and curling up.  No, I’m thinking that Ol’ Blue would really appreciate having his owner in the dog house with him.

Garden Fertilizer:  I really see a lot of promise with that.  Robert Burns’ My love is like a red, red rose….  is a lot more romantic than Turkey in the Straw.  Throw in some Vigoro and stand back for amazing results.

The company owners advertise their end product as being “ecologically friendly and sound.”  How does that work?  It’s bad enough to be shot in the face by Dick Cheney, but could one ever get over being shot in the face with Dick Cheney?

Maybe my company motto will be, “There are better ways to shoot someone a bird.”

(This is another one of BroJoe’s photos.  He comes up with a turkey now and then, too.  Don’t forget to go here if you want a chance to pick out and win three of his prints.)
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29 thoughts on “Unurned.

  1. Linda

    Mary, you continually brighten my days. Have you ever considered “Stand-up”? I think you would be GREAT!

  2. I think there is a plus side to not taking up ground space after we are dead. But I don’t think I will choose to have my husband packed into the contents of a shot gun shell. Fused into a diamond though – that has a morbid appeal to me….

  3. Why am I dumbfounded at this? I need to take a positive view. Hmmm…stuff me into one of those Fourth of July sky rockets….shoot me up and let me burst all over the place. “Ahh — there’s Jerry. Showing off again.”

  4. Thank you for this. I need a good laugh. Somehow this doesn’t surprise me – only humors. It always seems to be the guys thinking up these creative ways to deal with their remains. My dad, a big beer drinker, said he wants us to get a keg and put it on the end of his coffin with a sign that says “The beer’s on me.”

  5. I am having my ashes mixed with paint and have a painting for each kid painted. That way I can still have my nose poked all up in their business. Instead of a fly on the wall I will be eyes in the painting. Hmmmm that sound spooky just in time for Boo Day

  6. Every time I think I’ve heard of everything, along comes something that makes my jaw drop! lol For goodness sakes, what are these people thinking of? The ones who thought up the idea and the ones who are actually wanting to use it!! I plan on being cremated but now I’m having second thoughts! lol xoxo

  7. Here are couple of creative suggestions:
    1. A friend of mine from Arkansas said that when her husband died she was going to put his ashes in her douchebag and run him through once more for old time’s sake.

    2. Don (at http://www.crabbyoldfart.wordpress.com) said his ashes are going into a cannon that’s going to be pointed at the local high school and fired off to get back at all those annoying teenagers.

  8. When Joe was cremated the lady at the cremation parlor quoted me a price for “all of him” or “just some of him” there was about a $150.00 difference between “some” or “all.” I said what the heck and chose “all” and then she explained that I would need a larger urn but if I had a large tupperware container with a tight fitting lid that should work. Really? Give up a perfectly good piece of tupperware with a lid that fits tightly? I think not. I spent another $50.00 on a large urn.
    I knew you could have ashes added to albums that play your beloved favorite song…but I had no idea you could have them stuff them into ammunition….I hope my mom does not find out…she does not hunt but she is does love to shoot and I don’t think I could handle target practice with her for the ammunition.
    Yep, there is something to be said for a nice deep spot under a lovely shady tree.

  9. “There are better ways to shoot someone a bird.”

    OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG LOLOLOLOLOLOL…… U R FABULOUSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!! LOLOL…

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