Happily Before the After

A couple of weeks ago I had a little thingie removed from one of my lower eyelids by an ophthalmic surgeon.  While I was waiting for the Novocaine to kick in, I looked at the Before and After photos on his walls,  a cosmetic smorgasbord of procedures completely unrelated to eyesight.  I have no idea what was done in those photos–it was all Greek to me and I didn’t see the word Botox anywhere, but whatever was used to smooth out the hollows and wrinkles of the ordinary women in the photos certainly looked natural.  I was intrigued.

Subsequently, I came home and spent some time in front of the lighted magnifying mirror and believe me, it was not to give myself admiring glances.  There is much going on there, very little of it good.  I am a Before photo waiting for my knight with shining laser.

My children would probably say that the vertical lines encircling my mouth stem from all the warning, pursed lip looks I shot them when they were growing up.  It’s punishment time, so tracks of lines now point emphatically toward my thinning lips.  I’ve tried creams, slathering them on thickly in an attempt to fill in the cracks.  Dearly Beloved looked at me recently after one of my treatments and gasped, “What’s wrong with your mouth???” 

“It’s a cream.  I’m trying to get rid of the wrinkles.”

“Thank goodness.  I thought you had rabies.”

Not that he gets a pass in the image department.  The man can grow a walrus tusk overnight.  Unfortunately for him, I don’t usually notice those errant nose hairs to point them out (with all the enthusiasm of a K Mart Blue Light Special) until we’re in the car, where he’s reduced to attempting to yank them out at traffic lights.  Without tweezers, battery or otherwise.

As Jerry Seinfeld used to say, however, “It was NOT A PICK!”   

The magnifying mirror usually reveals any escapees in my own nostrils.  After menopause, women’s eyebrow hairs become bored with their location and migrate south, down into our nostrils.  Next thing you know, they’re hanging out, waving at our chin hairs.  It takes daily pluck to keep the post-menopausal nasal landscape tidy.

If there is one thing I don’t understand, it’s eyebrow physiology.  Mine are so thin that they peter out shortly after my brow arch, yet men’s eyebrows grow thick and wiry. Why?  If they need eyebrows, why don’t we?  Which one is Mother Nature playing a joke on?

My frump slump continued until one day this week when I happened to see Dyan Cannon on the Today Show.  I was aghast!  That was enough to put me off any thought toward a hereAfter.

I’ve since looked online at some of the Before & After photographs of other Hollywood celebrities and have to tell you, they are downright scary.  Either they all go to the same doctor or they all held up the same photo for the doctor to copy.  The similarities are striking, but sad.  Really.

If this is the Hollywood look, it’s time to bring back the floppy hats.

I’ll tell you the names, you figure out who’s who.

Dyan Cannon, Suzanne Summers, Meg Ryan, Loni Anderson


36 thoughts on “Happily Before the After

    1. And YOU are a five-star spouse for saying that. That MerrilyMaryLee person is lucky indeed. I am fairly certain (and after almost 40 years together I can be fairly certain) that my dearly beloved would never think to do that.

      1. It’s not just the lips – I noticed a few years back that she had something done and whatever it was, it “took the cute away”.

  1. I recognized all but Dylan Cannon. Weren’t they sad looking. I’d rather be naturally old looking than grotesquely middle aged.

    And yes, the nose hairs. They hurt when you pluck them out! I told an old male friend of mine recently that I knew where the hair on his head had gone: they were all on my upper lip and chini! Not funny!

    1. I think they’re real. Suzanne Summers and Loni Anderson are on the top row,
      Dyan Cannon and Meg Ryan are on the bottom.

      I always thought Meg Ryan had one of those eternally youthful faces that would always look good. I am sad that she felt the need to alter her looks.

  2. In was all set to say I can find Meg(The Joker)Ryan and Dyan Cannon, but then I saw DB’s reply and my heart just melted a little.
    I think what you have are LAUGH lines and you wouldn’t trade in a single laugh for one of those lines.

    1. I know. I make a list of all the things he does that drive my nuts, then he comes out with something like that and I have to find an eraser.

      You’re right. I treasure every laugh. 🙂

  3. I have no idea who is who but would have no problem with a little nip or tuck and I would try Botox. These women have tons of money so they kept on going..I would never be able to fund getting carried away. I remember my mom telling me not to worry if Cole’s ears or nose was to big because “honey we can always get that fixed.” If it bugs you “get it fixed.”

    1. Honey, I am SOOO with you! I’d love to get my boobs on the same horizontal stripe of my sweater and I’m sure I’d look better if I could get rid of those wrinkles in the corner of my mouth. I’m not opposed at all to fixing something that bugs you. . . I just think that searching for eternal youth is fraught with heartbreak.

      Your mother is wise. Of course, my mother’s advice was good, too. Her theory was that if you saw a wrinkle, you were to quick! fill it up with chocolate.

    1. Of that group? I don’t know. BUT there are lots of people who have altered their looks for the better. I have no problem with it. Okay, wait. . . I DO have problems with women who have humongous breast implants to please their boyfriends. I think it’s sad that women feel they have to have surgery to rise in their jobs. (I understand that men are feeling they need to do the same.) I think it’s stupid that we judge people by their looks. BUT I think if someone wants to do something that will make them feel better about themselves, I’ll be glad to show up with my pompoms and cheer them on.

  4. I’d like to be a six-foot tall blonde with big boobs, but that’s not gonna happen—-short of a spine-transplant, breast augmentation and a major dye-job. So I guess I’ll have to put up with what I’ve got. Here’s a tip I found out the hard way: never look down into a mirror. Trust me.

    DB is so sweet…and he’s right.

  5. So sad. Joan Rivers is looking downright scary, too. But Meg Ryan? Why did she feel she needed to tweak anything? I thought she was adorable just the way she was.

    1. Forgot about Joan Rivers! You’re right. .. maybe they held her picture up and said, “I don’t want to look like this!” and the doctor didn’t hear “don’t.”

      Meg must have had a midlife crisis after the marriage breakup.

  6. Magnifying mirror??? Dear blogger buddy…why do you think God gave all of us presbyopia, the farsightedness of aging? We are not meant to look closely. Of course, those candid photographs will tattle tale every single time.

    1. LOL! You’re right, of course, but ever since I found a long white eyebrow growing out of the middle of my forehead, I’ve thought it wise to assess the situation occasionally.

  7. God, ain’t that the truth. My mag mirror is a 10 and it’s frightening, but I can’t do my eyes without it. And you can’t wear your glasses to do your eyes. Geez.
    Age gracefully is all I can say. I’ve had enough stuff has removed for health reasons let alone go in there and let them screw up what’s left.
    I always loved my SIL’s comment about her saggy boobs: she called ’em her lift up and powder unders.

  8. My sister recently had botox injections near her eyes, had a bad reaction and looked for all the world like a serial killer. Fortunately the swelling went down.
    Just keep adding to those laugh lines and let us work on ours by reading your posts.

  9. One does not go around looking at others through a magnifying mirror.

    And…maturity without wrinkles is just wrong. And I dig maturity.

  10. Here’s to wrinkles and looking natural! I have made a resolution to go through life without ever dyeing my hair. That said, my parents weren’t very grey in their 60s, so I figure I’ve got good genes for that.

    The celebrity pics are scary and sad. I hate what Meg Ryan has done to herself.

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