Fly By the Seat of Your Pants… Please!

One morning a couple of weeks ago, before we left on a trip, Dearly Beloved went out to do a quick fix on a broken sprinkler head we’d noticed.  One repair unearthed another problem and he spent the day crawling behind the shrubbery, digging beneath the pine needles.  In the process he repaired about 30 feet of squirrel-chewed lines, broken couplings, and missing sprinkler heads, all of which necessitated several trips to the hardware store.  (His theory that one can learn to fix things by simply staring at them long enough seems to hold water.)

When DB came back inside 8 1/2 hours later, it was obvious that we weren’t going anywhere.  His clothes were filthy and he was dripping wet.  Since he didn’t want to walk through the house leaving a trail, he entered through the laundry room and stripped there.  He walked nonchalantly through the sunroom and what passed before me was a buck-nekkid man whose deeply tanned legs and arms emphasized the Casper-like whiteness of his backside. He was wearing nothing but a pair of navy felt bedroom slippers he’d found in the laundry room, along with a pink baseball camp I’d left on the dryer.

Ah, love…!

Obviously, he was heading back to our bathroom to shower.   BUT… after seeing this photo a couple of days ago, I realize that had DB reached in the laundry basket and grabbed some of my undies, he could have been dressed to travel without me, provided he flew on US Airways.

In June, a college football player who wore his pants down to his nethers was removed from a plane after the pilot made a citizen’s arrest.  And don’t forget “Tammy in the Wheelchair,”  the 52-year-old woman  who arrived at the security checkpoint wearing black undies and a white poodle.  Also,   Southwest Airlines removed a skimpily clad passenger until she made adjustments to cover more skin a few years ago.

What are these people thinking?

All of this has become a discussion over race and gender, since the 62-year-old white male cross dresser was the only one who breezed on without any official challenge.  The football player was black, the women were white… and blonde.

Yeah, I see a double standard. There isn’t even a masculine form of “slut”.

But back to the official dress code policy, which the airline says it doesn’t have.

Allow me…

Dear Passenger:

When you board a plane, you may have concerns about air quality, screaming babies, deranged passengers, malcontent airline attendants, testy pilots, terrorists.  Add shared surfaces to that….

According to this article in the NY Times,  a 2007 testing by a University of Arizona environmental biologist, found four out of five tray tables bore the Staphylococcus superbug, MRSA.  Most of the bathrooms had E. coli bacteria.  Cold and flu viruses survive up to 72 hours on plastic surfaces.  The icky noroviruses which cause serious gastroenteritis can live on surfaces for a month.  We don’t need BBC (bare butt contamination) to add to the list.   

Take a look at that upholstered seat on which you’re about to park yourself.  Those skid mark stains could be feces, urine, food, or some other stain we don’t even want to imagine.  It’s enough to creep one out, even wearing a hazmat suit.

To be brief–not that we want you to be–here is the dress code policy:


 (If you do not know what that means, ask your congressman.)

One entrepreneur has even launched a counterattack with these., but with the extra charges in place for carry-ons, this seems an expensive and inconvenient option, even though it sure looks reassuring.

Perhaps airlines could issue coveralls for passengers who didn’t cover enough to lessen the ick factor.

DB and I prefer to drive on our trips… fully clothed and dignity intact. To paraphrase Star Trek, there is a certain comfort to sitting where no butt has gone before.

Besides, we get the whole can of Diet Coke.

15 thoughts on “Fly By the Seat of Your Pants… Please!

  1. Sharon Kauerz

    Seriously? He’s concerned about his photo being used publicly? Because as a business consultant his reputation might be discredited? Really??? Maybe he shouldn’t dress like that in public!!! Sheeesh!

    Love delphinium border. 🙂

    1. I think it’s southern delphiniums– larkspur– unless the NCDOT has found that the secret to growing delphiniums is gas fumes. Can you get delphiniums to come back? That’s one of BroJoe’s pictures. I love it, too.

  2. Great DB visual…no pic?

    And thanks a lot for the bacteriological terrorism threat warning. I just got tickets for our next flight out. Looks like I’ll be carrying baggies full of Lysol wipes on this trip, along with the tube of Neosporin we always bring along to coat nasal area and the instant antibacterial hand gel.

    I’d drive to San Diego, as recommended, but for the bedbugs we’d be dealing with in motels along the way.

  3. Too funny. I love to fly-hate the hassle. I think passengers are fighting back however they can–going through security is a nightmare and the idea that my safety is TSA number one priority makes me shudder. As far as germs…well I am one of those people who doesn’t think much about it—or didn’t until your post 🙂 . Being closed up for 8 hours with other passengers was a bit overwhelming on the way to Ireland but I did get the whole can of coke–if only I had a cup holder….
    The visual of DB in his slippers trotting through the house in his birthday suit was so cute…he should have allowed a picture and you could have added–oh I don’t know maybe squirrel tails to cover all private areas. Perhaps next time.
    I shared your post with my visiting mom and she wonder if anything was scared to “you bloggers” She hates to fly though, and totally agrees about riding in her own car where no butt has gone before. . .

  4. Margie

    You made an interesting observation when you said there isn’t a masculine form of slut. Equivalent behaviour perhaps, but no name or form of dress that brands a man as being a slut… unless he is a cross dresser, I guess.

    1. When you think about it, ‘most any derogatory terms about men are directed toward gay men and there’s practically a dictionary of them for women. Other than that, it’s simply BOYS WILL BE BOYS.

  5. Have to admit the 52 year old looked pretty good for her age if inappropriate. Maybe a bigger dog ??? I am envious. As for the white haired gent, at least he would not have to go through a pat down for weapons.
    Eye opening post.

  6. MzMerrily, I went from giggling out loud with that visual of your DB parading through in slippers and a pink cap – to gagging at the site of that….. that….. male slut – (and u r right – there is no male equivalent – perhaps you should hold a contest to challenge your faithful followers to crank up their ‘fun factor creativity’ and come up with one!? The winner would receive a glossy, 8×10, suitable for framing, photo of DB in his ‘come hither’ attire. whooo whoooo!:):))

    Where was I…. oh yes, totally grossed out by that dude who needs to pick boxers over spandex bikinis! The TSA babes must love to see him coming – and going. How does that not qualify as ‘indecent exposure’?

    I love your ability to make me laugh and ponder …. Will you run for President?:) please?:)

  7. Too funny. I don’t know whether I laughed more at your words or the incredible visuals you planted in my brain! My husband calls me a germophobe because I carry Purrell in my purse and wash my hands the minutes I get in the car after shaking hands in church or pushing the grocery cart. He tells me that Jesus shook hands with the lepers. I told him Jesus no doubt had a better immune system than I. Oh, and don’t even get me started about the microbes they isolate on grocery carts or door handles.

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