Bad Case of the Bends

My husband often fixes my collar, tucks in a tag,  or straightens my jacket when I’m going out somewhere.  I’m awful about just yanking on clothes without looking in a mirror.  Mr. Tidy adjusts my most obvious imperfections and shakes his head.

“I just can’t get the eastern NC out of you.”

Oh yes, when one grew up in the big metropolis of Cha-lit,  one gets to say things like that to the small town girl, who pays no attention because she has a personal valet.

Miss Piggy woke me at 5 this morning.  I never ignore her calls.  Even with her meds, she’s a leaker, so when she asks to go outside, we spring into action.   She may not even do anything out there.  It’s probably all a ruse to get an early breakfast, but it works.  With Dearly Beloved being the lighter sleeper, it’s generally his job, but this morning it was up to me.  DB had long since wandered into the guest room during the night.  Somebody must have been snoring.  Hey–it’s not always me;  Miss Piggy’s nocturnal noises can dislodge bathroom grout.

I let her out,  poured food in her bowl, stuck her chewable don’t-pee-on-the-floor pill into the Pill Pocket which she requires, and then opened the back door, and stood back.  It’s worth it to watch her Greyhound dash to the laundry room and the waiting food bowl, the only time she runs all day.  It was still so early,  I went back to bed,  doubting I’d be able to go back to sleep.

I was wrong about that.  I turned on my bedside audio book and lay in that delicious semi-conscious state.  Even a murder mystery becomes a bedtime story when a pleasant voice is reading it in your ear.  When I opened my eyes again, it was almost 9 AM.

Yikes! I’d planned on putting some chicken bones out in the garbage early because it’s pickup day.  Was I too late?  I pulled on some old yellow pajama bottoms under my short gown and matching bathrobe, grabbed the chicken bones from the fridge,  and dashed out the front door.

The street was lively because of the lateness of the hour.  Such a lovely day!  I discarded the bones, not too late after all,  gathered a few dead branches and stacked them by the street,  picked up the newspapers, then watched the smirking squirrel hanging out near the lamp post to make sure the little bastard didn’t dig up the Clematis I planted there last fall.

I was glad I’d pulled on my pajama bottoms.  Otherwise, all my bend-overs would have been X-rated to all those passers-by.

When I back inside and laid the newspapers on the hall table, I caught my reflection in the mirror.  Oh, the horror!  My gown and matching robe were firmly caught in the back waistband of my pajama bottoms.

I am SO hoping that all that traffic wasn’t because aghast drivers had to ride around the block to get another glimpse of that full yellow Carolina moon!


That was the ugly, here’s the bad and the good:

My computer is needing more diagnostic tests than most hospital patients ever require.  Mostly e-mail issues–my main e-mail address  suddenly disappeared from the planet and no, it wasn’t due to a sunspot on the aforementioned moon!   BUT… if I suddenly disappear for a while,  know that I’m outside, trying to pull e-mails from thin air.

The good news is that I won a most delightful prize from Mille Fiori Favoriti’s  One World, One Heart event on her wonderful New York City blog.   My prize is an illustrated journal and a stationery folio by artist Kelly Rae Roberts.  I’m quite familiar with her work, thanks to my daughter–a big fan.  Pat, your random number generator may have generated a cool factor for me within my family!   Thanks!


18 thoughts on “Bad Case of the Bends

  1. Too funny! At least you didn’t have toilet paper stuck to your slippers and trailing behind you. 🙂
    My cat tries to get me up early by getting up on my desk in the bedroom and then very loudly start licking the family photos on the memo board behind it. He knows it annoys the hell out of me (how did he come up with that idea, anyway?) so I’ll get up and feed the outside cats and then give him some pieces of their dry cat food. Dumb animals? I don’t think so!

    1. TTPT- maybe he’s trying to tell you he loves them best because you’re lying there ignoring him? I wouldn’t know, since Miss Piggy only licks down-under, making nunk-nunk-nunk noises.

  2. Congrats on your award, honey! Good thing Joan Rivers and the fashion police didn’t show up to catch the late early show.

    The NC, whether Eastern or Piedmont, is a bitch to shake.

  3. The door locked behind me when I went outside for the newspaper one day. I did have a long t-shirt on. The only way in was a kitchen window slightly open. But I needed a ladder to reach it. I fetched a ladder, then the window only opened at the top. This meant I had to go in headfirst and land in the sink, briefly gracing much of Northeast Portland with a framed portrait of my ass and environs. No one’s mentioned it. In fact, no one came out of their houses for days.

    1. Now my computer will have to go back to the Apple Genius Bar with coffee on the keyboard. You paint a great word picture, Murr! If we lived next door to each other… well, frightening thought! We could clear the whole street within weeks.

      Our front door can’t lock behind me. When we bought it, we kept in mind that I can’t even remember to tuck my tag in, so chose accordingly.

  4. Birdie

    hmm, this is blog worthy?–Merrily in her pj – tucked robe? Tsk, tsk you delude your readers, standard modus operandi I suspect.
    Any who, excited to learn about Kelly Rae Roberts– I went to Mille Fiori Favoriti and looked. Very nice randomness.
    and lovely photography and soo much information. The computer/email issue must be fixed! Will we be reduced to tweeting????

  5. My goodness, aren’t you the thoughtful grownup daughter–not blaming your mother for your driveway fashion faux pas!

    Come visit any time. We blame Miss Piggy for anything on the floor. She’s not allowed on the furniture. We’d have to call you out on that.

    Hugs to you!

  6. I had a comment but I totally lost it when I read “nunk-nunk-nunk noises.” That absolutely describes a totally disgusting cat behavior. I’m still laughing and may continue for a while yet. Thanks.

  7. Okay now I don’t feel alone…I get hassled for writing posts that are all over the map….atleast you don’t scare your readers by posting visuals like I do…My latest has me in a Tam O’Shanter hat holding a chimpanzee…. But I can picture Miss Piggy leaking and you with your butt out….I also liked how DB fixes you before leaving the house…that’s so sweet. The Boss wouldn’t notice if I left the house bare A$$ed…..

  8. I love all those photos you post! If you did a bareass one, I missed that one–it would be a hard shot to take, I know. Heck, I have NOTES I’ve taken from your blog… all those Atlanta-area restaurants you’ve mentioned. It’s my “gotta go there” list. You’d do MY butt a favor if you and your friends would take up traveling to yarn shops instead of checking out restaurants, but. . . as long as I can blame it on someone else (that would be YOU!) I’ll hang on to my list.

  9. I’m with Kitch – I go out in just about any get up to get the mail or grab the paper. We’re already the white trash of the neighborhood since my MIL finds it of the utmost importance to air dry my bras on the front porch in the spring, summer and fall… Therefore it’s not like the neighbors haven’t already seen it 😉

  10. Tammy

    I really want to say reading this cracked me up but… It was your crack that was up for all to see. 😉 I love reading all that you write. Miss P is not alone in the leaking issue I assure you. And congratulations on your award. Sounds like your award was much nicer than a major award like a leg lamp. Lol

  11. I guess those women who have to put on make-up before they head down to the driveway to pick up the paper do have a point. Now I am grateful I still have children living at home… LOL

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