How’s Uranus?

My husband’s body reacts in most unusual ways to medication.  Those lines and lines of obscure side effects written in miniscule print are added just for Dearly Beloved.

My man is one in a million.

Yesterday he had a colonoscopy.  Let me preface by saying that he was pleased with the procedure, the staff, and the results.  We have both had the test done by this group before, just in a different location.

I mean, building-wise, of course.

The waiting room of their current facility was designed for a fight-to-the-death game of Musical Chairs, only without any music.  It’s small–no sofas or upholstered furniture– stackable chairs, arm to arm, circling the room and the lone table of old magazines.   About 15 or so chairs in a room perhaps 12×12.

When we arrived, a woman with multiple tattoos, rings in her eyebrows, and a cellphone to her ear,  dominated the room with her booming voice.  Unless she was talking to someone outside the continental United States, those lungs of hers made any assistance from Verizon superfluous.

A little girl about 5 sat on the floor, coloring, while her older sister played some sort of loud, hand-held video game.

Got that?  Small room, woman with J-Lo lungs waving her arms and yakking on the phone, video game going strong, and a wall TV tuned to a shoot-’em-up show on TNT .


She announced, “I better step outside to tell you this…”  and the children followed,  yelling,  “MAMA! ”   Mama stayed outside for a good thirty minutes, pacing and talking on the phone.  The little girls came back in periodically to retrieve their Slurpees, return their Slurpees to the floor, get a toy, or just stand holding the door open.

Several more twosomes arrived and stepped over the cups and toys.   At least two of them had phlegmy coughs.   When Big Mama returned and immediately made another phone call  I leaned over to DB and hissed, “When they call you back,  ask if I can go with you.”

“Why?  I’ll be fine.”

“Because I don’t want to sit here for two hours and listen to Mother of the Year.”

When they finally called for him, the nurse said she’d get me after she prepped him. By then the waiting room was full.   One of the later arrivals sneezed loudly and announced to the room at large that the sneeze hurt his back.

Nobody moved.

Finally the nurse took me back to DB, who was all snug in his little nightie and fuzzy socks, covered with a blankie and hooked up to an IV cocktail of something pleasant.  She told me that he’d be getting a type of truth serum, so to feel free to ask him whatever I wanted.

Logically, the IV should have made him groggy and quiet, so of course it made him hyper and chatty.  He greeted me with, “The nurse says I have good legs.”

I stayed until they took him for his appearance on, as the nurse informed him, The Colon Channel.

Friends who know us call him the consummate gentleman… the least likely person to have called out cheerily,  “Remember me?” when the doctor pulled up the sheet and gown to begin the procedure.  It happened.

By the time it was over and the nurse came to get me a second time, she said–truly–“Just  follow the noise.

DB was sitting up drinking Ginger Ale with several of the staff members gathered around his bed, trading wisecracks.  (No pun intended.)

I knew that he’d made an impression when the nurse told me that they’d been surprised when they found nothing, since “we expected to find his head up there.”

She showed me pictures in living color, not that I’d asked.  Perhaps his mother….

When the doctor came in, he handed me a sticky note and said, “Here’s the map.”

The what???

On it was a line drawing and the words:  EGGPLANT, M-SHU PORK, GINGER TOFU, STICKY DUMPLINGS.

HUH?  You found WHAT???

Apparently, Mr. Chatty and the Doc had talked restaurants during “the show.”

DB now has an extensive repertoire of colon jokes, thanks to the nurses.  We have two new restaurants to try, thanks to the Doc.  They all gathered to bestow hugs and kisses, tell him goodbye and that they wished all their patients were this much fun.

Since they found nothing, he left with a good report card, so the next show won’t be for another ten years. Like a comet… but without the streak, I hope.


18 thoughts on “How’s Uranus?

  1. Birdie

    Ixnay on the truth serum for me, since I share DB’s propensity to fulfill the “only 1% of patients exhibit these symptoms” predictions. AND I am not nearly as funny as DB.
    You have had your flu shot, right????

  2. Oh, so funny. Would be even funnier if it didn’t ring so true about the waiting room. Let’s hope DB forgets the colon jokes he learned. If not, tell him he’s allowed only one a day. Including the ones about Miss Piggy’s pooping practices.

    Glad the news is good and that DB gave the folks there some entertainment. The highlight of my colonoscopy was when the tech told me afterward that I had the cleanest colon she had ever seen! Now, how often do you get a compliment like that?

  3. Julie

    This post is truly a masterpiece! You’ve hit a hole in one! Or, maybe that’s what the doc did. I will be sharing!

  4. Girl, you’d give Gracie Allen a run for her money!

    I had that truth serum stuff once for a minor, non-elective, no-net-plus form of plastic surgery. I’ve been given to understand that I was a total crack-up, which didn’t make the process any easier for the doc, since it was a procedure on my bottom lip.

    You just know doctors get together and abuse this stuff for their own amusement.

  5. cw

    Lololololol – a classic!! When you compile your blogs for your first bestseller, this one is a must!:) Move over, Katie Couric, DB and MerrilyMarylee have taken this gig to a hole – oops, whole new level!! How many folks get hugs goodbye after sharing their ‘tubing’!!:) lololololol….. toooooooo funny!!!!:):):)

    1. What a bunch of smartasses!

      Mtn. Woman… I hope you asked them to give you a letter of commendation, suitable for framing, about your squeaky clean … um… asset!

      Nance, a total crack-up… REALLY?!!! Honey, you’re ready for a colonoscopy!

  6. This one is suitable for framing. Really, really funny.
    I heard colonoscopys will soon be obsolete.
    “This new test would only require patients to provide a stool sample. The stool sample is tested for abnormal cells. In a recent study, this test was found to be 91% effective in detecting colon cancer.”
    Wonder if they will shove a stick up your butt like they do a dog to collect what they need?
    Regardless, think I will wait for that one.

  7. OMG you crack me up…did he say he now knows what a Muppet feels like? How about Hey Doc, let know when you find my dignity…or did the doc sing “The Long and Winding Road”??? hehe Glad to hear it all went well, though:-)

    Isn’t being in a waiting room just the worst thing? I usually go to the medical clinic once every 3 months for a prescription refill and I dread it…I always tell the doctor that if I wasn’t sick before I came to see him, I sure will be after being with all those people sneezing and coughing on me!! Cramped like sardines in a small room with annoying people is NOT my idea of a good time!!

    Anyway, tell your hubby….”Bottom’s Up!” Sorry, couldn’t help it! hehe xoxo

  8. You are the funniest, silliest ..I agree you need to make a book of some of your best posts! I am surprised that some Magazine or Paper hasn’t scooped you out of cyberspace and put you into print. Or have they and you arent telling?

  9. who knew a colonoscopy could be this entertaining….still makes me not ever wanting to get one….Never….ever…
    did love the line about the person who came in with the cough….
    the place sounded like the birthplace of the bubonic plague….
    glad you both made it out alive….

  10. It is always an experience to have a colonoscopy!
    Don’t you wonder why anyone would chose gastroenterology as a profession? Glad all went well and the results were good!

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