Bare for a Bear in the Woods?

Dearly Beloved insists that I clarify an earlier blog in which I implied that I had fed him cereal for dinner because he is, you know,  Mr. Malleable.

He’s right;  I didn’t.  I tossed leftover cheese tortellini, leftover roasted veggies and some other stuff together for a pasta salad which he loved.  The man is a leftover freak.  As long as I cooked it,  he loves it–every time.

The way to DB’s heart IS through his stomach.

Speaking of cooking, that reminds me. . . have you seen the latest round of Viagra commercials, like the one where Mr. Hardon comes up behind The Little Woman while she is busily chopping veggies?  I couldn’t believe it.

For gawd’s sake, man,  she’s fixing your dinner and she has a knife in her hand.  Haven’t you learned anything during all those years?  Are you freakin’ NUTS????

Then there’s the one with the husband outside trimming trees and along comes Mrs. 60-Something, hot-to-trot, luring him down from the ladder.

Puh-lease!!!  Like that’s going to happen!

She’s probably been nagging him for months to get those limbs cut and there is no way she’s going to do anything to coax him off that ladder because she knows that it will be impossible to get him back on it.

Any sane wife would look out and think, Keep trimming, Babes.  We’ll talk after the sun goes down.”

(Funny, but I asked DB about these commercials and he gave me a blank look.  Doesn’t remember ever seeing them… AS IF I watch them on the Home & Garden channel.  I’m sure he just tuned them out.  However, he can lip sync the beer commercials.  Gah!!!! )

Last but not least, the commercial that is most egregious, that really makes my skin crawl, is the Viagra woods scene.  The couple is out in the wilds and she’s sending out pheromones while he’s trying to get the tent up.  Who is going to believe that?

Think about it.  What about bears and snakes?  I don’t know any wife who would unzip until the tent IS zipped!  That last scene, where the two sit bare nekkid in a couple of old bathtubs they just happened to come upon while hiking the ridge?  Would “set-up” not cross their minds?

Bird poop, forest rangers, hikers, rustling noises in the woods,  critters, varmints,  crazed mountain men, Candid Camera… The cold porcelain wouldn’t be the only thing giving me the shivers!  Holy crap!!!

Besides all that, there is still the four-hour warning, plus the additional cautionary to the guy about calling a physician if he finds himself losing eyesight or hearing.  Frankly, it’s hard to picture some rash-covered, insect-bitten, wobbly-kneed-after-four-hours woman trying to lead her suddenly-blind-and-deaf-but-still-aroused man back down the mountainside.  I’m thinking that average woman would have grabbed the chopping knife, pruning shears, or camping hatchet well before that fourth hour alarm sounded.

I can understand why a commercial showing an old coot racing his wheelchair around the rest home halls with a bouquet of flowers in his hand might not be an advertiser’s dream, but let’s get a bit of reality in here.

For instance… we have a bachelor neighbor who, when he invites his lady friends over, has the grill fired up for steaks, his bar well-stocked, beach music playing, and his best Hawaiian shirt on.   He calls such an evening a Viagra Party and he invites four or five women.

Now THAT’S a commercial, Viagra!

18 thoughts on “Bare for a Bear in the Woods?

  1. I hate those commercials, but the next time I have to endure one I am going to imagine that wobbly kneed woman leaving her blind, deaf and still aroused husband alone to drown in that bathtub in the woods….

  2. Too Funny! The Viagra people should hire you immediately–you understand what drives both men and women…and it isn’t interrupting chores, chopping, or being bitten on the butt by a bug.
    The wheelchair and the flowers would remind us that getting old is not for sissies and might be the inspiration behind the bachelor getting busy..and bringing good things to life!

  3. Hey, you reckon some narcissistic Don Draper type made those commercials? Duh-uh-uh-uh. And separate bathtubs? If he needs Viagra, chances are, by the time he eases his creaky old arthritic self out of his and stands up again from tripping over his…um, thang, the four hours will be shot. So to speak. Retire those bathtubs, Don.

    DH likes to iron. He calls it therapy; I call it foreplay. We’ve both got the good sense to wait until he’s finished the whole basket of ironing.

    p.s. Cross-post!!!

  4. Too funny. No, I must have missed the new commercials, but I think you have a point as to what future ads should include.

    Thanks for your question on my blog the other day–I posted a response.

    Have a good weekend.

  5. Hilarious post. I’ve been on many camping trips. Sex takes a backseat to my memories of torrential rain, even more torrential mosquitoes, and a dog in the tent with us who had recently been wallowing in a huge pile of dead crabs she found on the beach. Finding that bathtub would have been great.

  6. I heard the 4 hour warning is the greatest advertising gimmick in years. Men welcome going blind and a hospital stay for the 4 hour possibility.
    Your neighbor is smart if a bit of a weasel. Four hours requires more than one wore out woman who is not on any drug.
    Funny, funny post.

  7. whatsnormality

    I laughed some hard reading this…. er…perhaps that was a bad choice of words…
    ANYWAY, thank you for the comment on my blog, I believe I will add you to my blogroll 🙂 how could I not? this is an excellent blog

  8. I find the commercial’s cautionary advice about vision changes amusing.

    Reminds me of the joke about the boy who was told not to masturbate because it would make him go blind. To which he responded, “Can I do it just until I need glasses?” Ba-da bum, ching!

  9. Hilarious. Viagra was invented for MEN.

    I haven’t seen these commercials yet but I’m sure I will. But Canada has strict laws on drug ads and you are not allowed to mention the name of a prescription drug in its TV advertising, which is pretty funny. It’s not hard to figure out they are Viagra ads!

    It also means we don’t have to listen to the 15-minute disclaimer that comes with each ad (which I do see when I watch any US TV channels!)

  10. I miss out on the commercials because I Tivo just about everything I watch. Thanks for bringing me up to date! And the Viagra party? Too funny!

  11. True story: hubs sneaked up on me for a stealth cuddle while I was chopping celery with my GI-normous chef’s knife. Hello, 4 stitches. I was not amused. I am a very skittish person and startle easily…I damn near slit my finger off. Next time, should he be foolish to do it again, I’ll aim for his jugular.

  12. Tammy McCloud

    Can’t stop laughing from reading this one. Shared it with my hubby and he cracked up. We laugh at the commercials everytime we see them and DB they are usually on during football games or other sports events. The deaf and blind thing says my husband is not that big of a deal because he says when the excitement hits him he can’t think straight anyway so seeing and hearing don’t matter. Lol but the 4 hour warning thing that’s just scary.

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