The Mixed Messages Manual, Please

Medical science has me backed into a corner and I’m afraid to come out without a manual. Honestly, trying to stay healthy shouldn’t be this complicated.  I feel like I’m stepping on eggs, which I may as well, since we aren’t supposed to be eating them now.

Or are eggs okay again?

See what I mean?

Estrogen was good before it was bad.

Calcium supplements? We must have 1200-1500 mg. per day, depending on whether we live in the US or Canada.  Gee, if crossing the border changes one’s calcium requirement, wonder what the International Date Line does.   Don’t worry–that’s a joke. Once we find the right calcium pill– meaning one that doesn’t cause constipation, gas, kidney stones, and weight gain– we’re set, unless we’ve listened to the mutterings about the increase in heart attacks in women and something about pseudogout and arthritis.

A glass of wine? Yes, but only one.  Last week, a study said that three glasses were  better for us.  It was a very good week. Men get to have more alcohol than women, but I question whether medical science or man science is making that rule.

Fish? Very important to a healthy diet… if one doesn’t mind mercury poisoning.  Highly recommended: sardines or salmon with bones.  All that good seafood and this is what they recommend… fish bones???

Jogging? Good?  No, BAD! Better to walk.

Vegetarian diets? Hmm. Okay, but only if  it’s organic and one takes B-12.  Vegans need Vitamin D, so go out in the sun, Veganites.  WAIT, come back!!!   The sun may be good for Vitamin D, but very bad for the skin.  Wear sunscreen to prevent skin cancer.  Well yes, now that you ask, it does block Vitamin D absorption.

Chocolate?  Nuts? Used to be bad, but now it’s good.  Dark chocolate and nuts.  To quote the eloquent Cookie Monster,  “Om Nom Nom Nom Nom.” Pass the Goobers.

Uh oh.  Sugar, corn syrup, and artificial sweeteners are no-no’s.  Unless you like your dark chocolate bitter and unsweetened,  you’re out of luck.

*Coffee?  Tea? They’re on the good list now, except for the parties.  Check the manual for the recommended tea color and what the official number of allowed cups of coffee might be.

Coconut oil? Not sure. I think it’s good for you,  just not in movie popcorn, where it’s best.

It wasn’t the Food Do’s and Don’ts which sent me into fetal position this week, but a news teaser we heard  as we were driving back from the beach… something about puzzles and word games speeding up dementia.

“Uh oh,” Dearly Beloved said, cutting his eyes toward the Queen of Jumbles, Sudoku, Cryptograms, and Crosswords.

I couldn’t believe it!   As our contractor used to say, “That just ain’t right!”

We missed hearing the actual news story, so I’ve tried to find it online.  The study results were that doing the brain stuff staves off dementia longer (or perhaps it makes it harder to tell with one’s nose in a puzzle book) BUT, once one begins to show symptoms of dementia, there is a more rapid decline.

Get it?  Do you prefer being nibbled to death by ducks or eaten by a shark?

Alzheimer’s? If you’ve been working puzzles to prevent Alzheimer’s, don’t bother. That was SO 2003!  The latest evidence about doing anything to prevent Alzheimer’s is that there isn’t anything.

So go ahead, use antiperspirant again.  Please.

Water, good.  Plastic bottles of water, not good.

Breathe, but only quality air, of course.

Oh, the anxiety of all this uncertainty! Pseudogout…!  Who knew?!?!

Let me check the manual:  Anxiety:  see chocolate.

Hold the Sudoku and pass the M&M’s.  Dark chocolate, of course.

*Politically incorrect content ahead.













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14 thoughts on “The Mixed Messages Manual, Please

  1. This should be read by everyone…of course we all think it…but you put it on paper/online…are we all crazy??? Eat meat, don’t eat meat…eat fish…no, only coldwater salmon swimming upstream I think…eeks
    Thank you for putting this on paper…no online…see everything I ever knew is totally upside down…is there no end to this madness!!!
    Thank you for letting me vent…and can I have a few of those m&ms…the red ones preferably…I’m feeling pretty brave now!!!

  2. I’m definitely in the “eaten by a shark” preference.

    If all this stuff is true, then why doesn’t an actuary or other number crunching genius put all the statistics together (i.e., “increases risk by x percent”)? He or she could come up with an absolute combination that would kill us within a week. Or perhaps if they do the “decreases risk” calculation we might find a combination that allows us to live forever.

    I really don’t worry about these things. I’m absolutely certain I will be killed outright by some fool driving on our curvy mountain roads.

    1. I’m going to be riding on your mountain roads this week. I feel like I should put a big flag on my car (or honk my horn all the way) to alert the driving fools that I’m on the road.

  3. Months ago I came across someone interviewing some really old coot. They asked him the obligatory question: “How did you make it to this wonderful old age?”

    He grunted a second and said, “I just lived and paid no nevermind to anyone that told me how to live.”

    Perhaps words to live by.

  4. I’m right in there with ya! coconut oil is now on a good list? but not partially hydrogenated. Eggs, good but only ones sans samonella and grown in farms where free-range means they actually leave the fenced in coop to forage in the grass for worms. You are what you eat, so now I’m eating worms? Corn syrup good in “good bars” bad if it is high fructose kind. Corn on the cob good, corn in everything else, not good.

    It’s a flippin’ nightmare to try and eat properly and it takes three times as long to shop, too! REad EVERY label- oh, no. Forget that. If it has a label, I’m just not going to eat it.

    1. You’re RIGHT!!! Labels are suspect! I made my own little jar of corn syrup, just in case I have an urge for some medicinal fudge, made with cocoa, or course.

      Yep, none of that 15-minute strut in the barnyard! Once I babysat some baby turkeys (I have unusual friends) and I was AMAZED at what they ate. They’d go after every crawling thing they saw… every little ant! Maybe we could use more turkeys in our yard, fewer in Congress!

  5. I had a secretary once who said–research has found that saliva kills. People who swallow it in very small amounts over many years will die.

  6. My wise naturopath told me since everybody is different each individual ought to decide what is best for them. Frustrating advice for somebody who simply wanted a list to follow. Then I discovered the wonders of using a pendulum (scientifically called kinesiology – http://www.kinesiology.net) to test foods and supplements.

    The pendulum is the cheapest allergy test I know of and fun. Tie a heavy object onto some string and ask yourself some yes and no questions you already know the answers to. Now you know which direction the pendulum swings for a yes answer and which direction is no.

    You do need to get over what other people will think if you use it in public. Practice with the items in your pantry and fridge. Get expert advice if you are uncertain of the answer or if in doubt about the container at the back of the fridge rather set it free than serving it for dinner.

    The pendulum is not meant to replace a doctor or dietitian or any other medical help but it can help you choose which doctor to visit or which foods to avoid. Have fun and if you want to know more I found the book “Pendulum Magic for Beginners” very helpful. The book gives a scientific explanation of how it works and some other interesting uses for the pendulum.

    Muscle testing is a fine alternative to the pendulum and can be more discreet in public. Start with small matters like planning your day or the best route to work until your confidence grows.

  7. Pseudo-gout? Where can I read up on this pseudo-science?

    I read today that creative writing improves neuron wiring in old age, so you’ll get to be one very sharp cookie at 93, if you keep up the blogging fabulousness!

    Meanwhile, I can’t remember to take the supplement regimen I’ve most recently settled on. I ask DH, “Honey, am I taking the big Co-Q10 pill with the lower dose Red Yeast Rice or is that only at bedtime with the Glucosamine Gagger?” And he answers, “Yep, I think so.”

  8. I’ve given up even trying to figure out what’s good or what’s not good for me, I just eat what I want! lol I remember when they were saying butter wasn’t good for you so eat margarine…now years later, they’re saying go back to butter because margarine is only one molecule away from being plastic! Geesh! Make up my mind already!! Pass me some of that chocolate please…xoxo

  9. Exactly! You know how we are so afraid of sugar so we all drink diet soda now? I won’t be surprised if 10 years from now they tell us that all these “fake” sugars cause cancer! Everything in moderation, that’s the problem. Or key.

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