Medical science has me backed into a corner and I’m afraid to come out without a manual. Honestly, trying to stay healthy shouldn’t be this complicated. I feel like I’m stepping on eggs, which I may as well, since we aren’t supposed to be eating them now.
Or are eggs okay again?
See what I mean?
Estrogen was good before it was bad.
Calcium supplements? We must have 1200-1500 mg. per day, depending on whether we live in the US or Canada. Gee, if crossing the border changes one’s calcium requirement, wonder what the International Date Line does. Don’t worry–that’s a joke. Once we find the right calcium pill– meaning one that doesn’t cause constipation, gas, kidney stones, and weight gain– we’re set, unless we’ve listened to the mutterings about the increase in heart attacks in women and something about pseudogout and arthritis.
A glass of wine? Yes, but only one. Last week, a study said that three glasses were better for us. It was a very good week. Men get to have more alcohol than women, but I question whether medical science or man science is making that rule.
Fish? Very important to a healthy diet… if one doesn’t mind mercury poisoning. Highly recommended: sardines or salmon with bones. All that good seafood and this is what they recommend… fish bones???
Jogging? Good? No, BAD! Better to walk.
Vegetarian diets? Hmm. Okay, but only if it’s organic and one takes B-12. Vegans need Vitamin D, so go out in the sun, Veganites. WAIT, come back!!! The sun may be good for Vitamin D, but very bad for the skin. Wear sunscreen to prevent skin cancer. Well yes, now that you ask, it does block Vitamin D absorption.
Chocolate? Nuts? Used to be bad, but now it’s good. Dark chocolate and nuts. To quote the eloquent Cookie Monster, “Om Nom Nom Nom Nom.” Pass the Goobers.
Uh oh. Sugar, corn syrup, and artificial sweeteners are no-no’s. Unless you like your dark chocolate bitter and unsweetened, you’re out of luck.
*Coffee? Tea? They’re on the good list now, except for the parties. Check the manual for the recommended tea color and what the official number of allowed cups of coffee might be.
Coconut oil? Not sure. I think it’s good for you, just not in movie popcorn, where it’s best.
It wasn’t the Food Do’s and Don’ts which sent me into fetal position this week, but a news teaser we heard as we were driving back from the beach… something about puzzles and word games speeding up dementia.
“Uh oh,” Dearly Beloved said, cutting his eyes toward the Queen of Jumbles, Sudoku, Cryptograms, and Crosswords.
I couldn’t believe it! As our contractor used to say, “That just ain’t right!”
We missed hearing the actual news story, so I’ve tried to find it online. The study results were that doing the brain stuff staves off dementia longer (or perhaps it makes it harder to tell with one’s nose in a puzzle book) BUT, once one begins to show symptoms of dementia, there is a more rapid decline.
Get it? Do you prefer being nibbled to death by ducks or eaten by a shark?
Alzheimer’s? If you’ve been working puzzles to prevent Alzheimer’s, don’t bother. That was SO 2003! The latest evidence about doing anything to prevent Alzheimer’s is that there isn’t anything.
So go ahead, use antiperspirant again. Please.
Water, good. Plastic bottles of water, not good.
Breathe, but only quality air, of course.
Oh, the anxiety of all this uncertainty! Pseudogout…! Who knew?!?!
Let me check the manual: Anxiety: see chocolate.
Hold the Sudoku and pass the M&M’s. Dark chocolate, of course.
*Politically incorrect content ahead.