When Nature Calls

Oh, oh!! I’ve got one… this just makes me furious!! Y’know…when men…use Women’s Liberation as an excuse not to kill bugs for you…oh, I just hate that!!! I don’t care what anybody says, I think the man should have to kill the bug!!
-Suzanne Sugarbaker

It was the stuff of nightmares.

A huge black spider the size of my ear (just a few centimeters shy of Dumbo’s) inched toward my bare feet. Before you ask… No,  I did not flip it over on its back to look for an hourglass.  This spider was on steroids.  I didn’t give a rip what kind it was.

Ordinarily, these would have been my options:

  • Call Dearly Beloved to dispose of it.   (Suzanne Sugarbaker was right.)
  • Run.
  • Swat it myself.

DB was not at home, which negated the first option.

Running was not a possibility either.  I was sitting on the toilet at the time.  I couldn’t move until I MOVED, if you get my drift…uhm… meaning.

Couldn’t swat, as I had come to the bathroom unarmed.  My bad.

The only thing I could think to do, after drawing my knees up to my chin– no easy feat on a toilet seat–was to grab the bath mat and throw it over the spider.  Don’t even think toilet tissue! HA! I swear,  it was so big, it made a lump under the bathmat, which I had doubled so the spider wouldn’t fling it off.   As soon as possible, (flush) I stomped on it, but it had grossed me out so much  I left the mat there for two days before having the nerve to lift it.  I would carefully step over the mat-covered corpse to get in and out of the tub..

How the heck does something that huge suddenly appear?   It couldn’t have come in through a crack.  Frankly,  it looked large enough to ring the doorbell.   I’m surprised I didn’t hear footsteps.

We’ve never seen bugs in this house, except the occasional ladybug in cold weather, so I found myself wondering if perhaps the mutant spider helped in that regard.  Did he have an exterminating office in the wall somewhere?  He could have easily gulped down a roach in one bite.

No regrets for offing him.  I’d rather call Orkin, thank you.

Needless to say, subsequent potty visits have been brisk.

Yesterday, I may have come up with a 4th Option, should I find myself under attack in a similar situation.

When a damnsquirrel started up the bird feeder pole again,  I grabbed the superdduper pump squirt gun and ran outside, yelling for my sidekick, Miss Piggy, for backup.  Unfortunately, the pump action of the watergun alerted the damnsquirrel of the attack, and the little bastard ran before I could blast him.

Miss Piggy?  She was sitting on the next-to-the-bottom step, idly crunching on a Junebug.

Ordinarily that would have exasperated me, but this time, I thought I might be seeing a pony in all that manure.

My beloved Akita, the late Howard Lee, would have handled that spider.  For years, he’d barge through the bathroom door and, with an apologetic glance my way,  he’d stand over the tub and slurp some of my bathwater and eat the soap bubbles to get his soap fix.  The dog loved soap.  We had to keep the soapdishes in drawers or use liquid soaps.  On the occasions he stayed in a motel with us, he’d head straight for the bathroom and have the soap eaten before we brought in the luggage.  He wouldn’t have eaten the spider unless I squirted soap on it, but he would have stepped on it.  Really, he would have.

Until now,  Miss Piggy has gone into the bathroom only to hide behind the door when it thunders.   Should there be another arachnid attack while I’m mooning the Tidy-Bowl man,  I think she might come to my aid if I send out the battle call:


Stranded!  Stuck on the toilet bowl… what do you do if you’re stranded… and you don’t have a roll?  –  Our kids, 1970’s

15 thoughts on “When Nature Calls

  1. I’m with Natalie–what is with all you (note: does not include me) sissy women who hate and are scared of spiders.
    Sans spiders we’d be drowning in real bugs. Spiders are NOT bugs.
    For shame.
    Please tell me you don’t also kill bats.

    1. I must defend my insect rescue efforts. I don’t kill bugs outside (mosquitos excepted) and rarely do so inside (beach waterbugs and roaches excepted.) Crickets will attest to my kindness. I’m a great protector of spiderwebs- outside. I respect their boundaries; they need to do the same.

      Bats? Meet my pet bat, Batly. https://merrilymarylee.wordpress.com/2009/05/22/hidden-in-a-little-gem/

      The giant spider caught me in with my pants down–literally. He had to go.

  2. Totally cracked up at the “doorbell”. I too have seen them that large, especially in Florida. I agree, they are totally welcome “outside.” Inside they are messing with my sanity.
    Think you are on the right track for future events. I once went into the bathroom for a bath when I saw one the size of my hand in the tub. I screamed out the door and when I quit shuddering, I grabbed my cat by the neck, shoved her in the bathroom and shut the door with an “Earn your kibble kitty.” Lots of noise later, all I found was a spider leg. I considered it a fair fight and nature at it’s violent best.

    1. The reasons for getting a cat are piling up! Will have to check with my cat-owning friends to see if this is common behavior or if yours had an exceptional rid-a-pest gene. Just couldn’t handle that last drumstick, huh?!

  3. I agree with Suzanne Sugarbaker. Unfortunately, My Hero doesn’t inspire confidence when he is called into bug killing action. I’ve learned to handle it myself. Another One of Those Things it never occurred to ask about before I said ‘I do’.

    And your bathmat approach was inspired. I’m gonna remember that one.

  4. Last night my Toy Fox Terrier was stung on the snout by a scorpion that was on his blanket on the couch in the bedroom. Our scorpion-hunting inside cat has been hiding out in the back of the house ever since we put ceiling fans in the living room and bedroom a month ago. So much for cat protection from insect varmints.

    We get “wolf” spiders here, which can be as large as the one you offed. I usually escort smaller spiders and bugs back to the outdoors, but I draw the line at scorpions or spiders the size of Herve Villechaize.

  5. Poor spider. Just wandered into the wrong place at the wrong time and was offted. Hope you don’t plan on needing a parking space anytime soon…I suspect your Karma is on the low side….You could have plunged him and then gentle removed him to the garden where he could have dined on flies…But you killed him, in his prime.
    On another note…I feel your pain about Miss. Piggy..I live with a Jack Russell, Schipperke and Beagle…and and and drum roll please, MICE. Not one of them has an ounce of killer instinct. Now an Akita or a Doberman would have nailed that spider or been bitten and cost us thousands….

  6. Sharon

    I also agree with Ms. Sugarbaker. I call for help when encountering something I can’t abide, but can’t “crunch” to death. Just gets me.
    That spider was probably a wolf spider. Totally harmless and a good guy, BUT raises the hair on MY arms! If I see one, I turn my back and encourage it to go do it’s job. Don’t see them at 3835, but do see them at the cabin. There is an ecosystem at work in Arkansas that no pest control company can control!

    You were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Well, sorry. Some events you can’t schedule.

  7. In Taiwan, the cockroaches are not only HUGE but have shining black wings, and they FLY. I cannot tell you how many time I ran out of the bathroom naked screaming…

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