Invasion of The Birdseed Snatchers

Dearly Beloved has added another weapon to his arsenal in The Battle of the Bird Feeders.  He has ceded the entire yard to the damnsquirrels (despite my protests) but maintains his line in the sand at granting them bird feeder privileges.

Even with the entire yard under their control,  those damnsquirrels love a challenge.  They aren’t happy until they suction every last seed out of the feeders.

Squirrel Vacuum.

Putting oil on the post holding the feeders did nothing except give them lubricated foot pads.  Throwing things at them gave him a measure of satisfaction until he wrenched his shoulder and ended any thoughts of Olympic broom tossing Gold.

After another trip to the hardware store and a confab with the old farts that hang around there giving squirrelly advice, he came home with some white, thicker-than-lard goop and applied it to the post.  Living better through chemistry?

When I say things are getting ugly, I mean literally.  Look at this stuff!  Ugh.

The latest weaponry.

He filled the feeders and we left for the beach.  I’ve been worried ever since.

With the temperatures in the upper 90’s, is that stuff going to melt and cause an oil spill in my rose bed?

Is it all goo or is it sticky, too?  Will we return to find squirrels velcroed to the post?  Pole-fried squirrels.  ICK!

The NY Times has a science article about squirrels and their ability to survive and thrive.  Usually I consider them a reliable source, but several facts here don’t ring true.  For one thing, they say a squirrel is fertile one day a year.  No way am I believing that.  CLUE:  they often have two litters a year.  Another is that ‘most every time we see a squirrel, he’s chasing tail, right?   The law of average must come into play.

An exception:

But just how many of these do you encounter?

It’s not like we’re over-reacting.  Their Latin name is Sciurus carolinensis.  I don’t care what the textbook tells you, I say it means Scourge of the Carolinas.  According to the Times, The International Union for  Conservation of Nature lists them as one of the 100 most invasive species, right up there with kudzu and rats.

I wish DB was more incensed about their activities in the garden. They dig holes everywhere.  Each squirrel has thousands of caches, a number which increases significantly if one has outdoor flower pots.  Herbert Hoover may have called for a chicken in every pot, but Sammy Squirrel adds acorns.  Thus we plant zinnia seeds and get oak trees.

Their life span is another point of contention.  There’s proof that they’ve been around at least 50,000, 000 years and frankly,  I don’t think they ever die.  Have you ever seen a squirrel keel over?  I read once that sometimes they get depressed and commit suicide by running in front of a car,  which is why we’ll occasionally see a dead one in the street.

They’re neurotic, you know.  Always hiding nuts and digging them up to re-hide because they think someone is watching.  Their favorite spots are usually under  MY plantings.

My husband is ordinarily a mild-mannered man, but if he could catch one of the squirrels, I’m pretty certain I know where he’d mount it to act as a deterrent.

It might smart a little.

Several people have offered their cats’ services and I thinking about it.  BroJoe photographed the one I’d like to have patrolling the yard for a while.

This kind of cat.

His name is Bob.


15 thoughts on “Invasion of The Birdseed Snatchers

  1. I love to hear that others are made miserable by these beady-eyed damnsquirrels. Don’t bother with the Bobcat. We’ve seen one crossing the road and no reduction in the damnsquirrels. Hardly any bunnies around anymore, but plenty of damnsquirrels.

    This is a very funny post, but only because it happened to you. Not funny at all when it happens to me. 🙂

  2. Okay, don’t kill me if this doesn’t work, but my neighbor says that squirrels don’t like flax seed, so you should mix some flax seed into your bird granola out there…it’s worth a shot, right?

  3. Honey, I am sorry about your squirrels, but I must beg you never to mention Herbert Hoover and his pots within range of my delicate hearing. It just distresses me so. Meanwhile, I’m looking up that recipe that my Uncle Spencer from Browns Summit had for Brunswick Stew. As I recall, it called for squirrel meat.

    1. Sorry, Nance. Didn’t mean to lay an egg with the HH quote. I’ll take a pass on the recipe. I don’t know if it’s the same as Unk’s, but I have one in an old Progressive Farmer cookbook. That was where Southern Living originated, I think. I hate to say that–it makes me sound as old as HH! Oops. Zipping the lip on him.

  4. I am still laughing at your plight or rather your account of your plight.
    I am in a different camp however. I really do admire the squirrel and encourage him. Is there a better athlete in the small animal world? Is there a cleverer creature at problem solving? These dudes are brilliant.
    I gave up long ago fighting them and am feeding them as a primary creature to watch and curse the birds for eating my squirrel”s food.
    Even though I have separate creature feeding stations, the larger birds are eating my squirrel’s corn. Dang birds:))

  5. Darn things just crossed the road to our property. I’m feeling your pain.

    For the last 17 years they have stayed on the other side of the highway. Now one darned creature made it across and I fear things will never be the same. My dog and I spotted it at the same time. Lucky for me, I have two terriers who love varmit chasing. So far they manage to keep gophers and bunnies at bay…but squirrels– they are a whole different matter— they are ambitious, relentless and all they have to do all day is plot strategy…

    Good luck- and nice post. I love all the pictures and look at you embedding video now! ; )

    Happy Friday.

  6. Why is it every time I visit you and read one of your post, I cry? Tears from hysterical laughing that is! hehe So I see that the war with thedamnsquirrels is still going on…maybe you should take bets as to who is going to win in the end?? lol I have sunflowers growing everywhere thanks to the squirrels and chipmunks and also oak tree growing where they’re not supposed to be growing. Every year when it’s time to dig out the potatoes from our garden, we always find a huge stash of peanuts buried in the ground…we always look around, waiting for the squirrel to attack us in anger because we found the jackpot!! lol xoxo

  7. Your family was brought at the last squirrel convention and they even proposed a squirrelatarian award for you for providing them with such fun entertainment…..

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