Are You for REAL?

I fear I am losing touch with reality.  I’m trying to get a grip, although that’s a poor choice of phrase to use here.

For weeks I thought the commercial for Enzyte was a spoof from Saturday Night Live.  Familiar with that one?  For goodness’ sakes, don’t Google it.  I’ll give you some key words: length, girth, firmness, size.  It’s the commercial with creepy Bob standing in an elevator, smiling broadly because of his chemically inflated. . . um. . . ego.

I wouldn’t get on an elevator with creepy Bob.  Furthermore, Bob’s “wife” in the commercial would be someone I’d avoid at a cocktail party.  I’ve known those types. She’s either going to inquire whether I have been saved or want to know if I have multiple orgasms.

I’m more of a Have you tried the stuffed mushrooms? type conversationalist.

So many unanswered questions!  Who is the target audience for these idiotic commercials?  Is it a different demographic from the one with the Cialis bathtub people?  As the water in those tubs turns cold, is the four-hour warning still necessary?  Do the pharmaceutical companies get their writers from Comedy Central?

I have read that there is a class action suit against Enzyte’s manufacturer, Berkeley Premium Nutraceuticals.  (pausing here for you to read that name again.  I’m not making it up.)  Someone is suing them for stiffing customers with their inflated claims of product effectiveness.

To this day, I can’t remember whether the ad for the commemorative plates featuring Tiger Woods’ sex partners was part of a real commercial or a comedy spoof.  I mean, I’d think spoof, but then again, I’d say that about the black and white commercial featuring a gloomy Tiger and a voiceover of his deceased daddy  asking what he learned from his experiences.   The first time I saw that, I thought it was somebody trying to be funny in dreadfully bad taste.  Now I realize it’s someone with dreadfully bad taste not trying to be funny.   Stephen Colbert explained it well.

I don’t care if Tiger plays golf, but I’d like the news to focus on something else.  Tiger was profane on the golf course?   That’s real news? Keep the microphone out of his face and turn off the cameras.  Problem solved.

Oprah was in our neighborhood last week to interview Rielle Hunter.


Just when I’d begun to hope they’d finally turned out the lights on John Edwards, GQ came up with a spread (pun intended-sorry!) of Rielle wearing a simple outfit of pearls (but no panties) and man shirt, playing amid stuffed animals.   And now we have Oprah chatting her up for her show and, incidentally, finding her “genuine…really forthcoming.”

I suppose all that makes her a “real celebrity.”  Maybe we need to banish the word “celebrity” –quickly, before Oprah rounds up the Tigerettes.

I don’t want to watch an hour of Rielle Hunter.  There is an epidemic of stupidity in our country.   We could put that hour to better use.

However, if you’re an Oprah fan, I don’t want to leave you empty.  Oprah said that we were the luckiest people in the world to live in this town because it was so gorgeous.  She made special mention of the wisteria growing on the telephone lines.  If you want to use that interview hour for something more uplifting,  I can at least provide you with a picture of some local, rampant, can’t-get-rid-of-the-stuff wisteria.

Wisteria (wisteria sinensis)

This is growing on a very tall tree.   I hope that is sufficient, since I have no photos of wisteria growing on telephone lines.

No way am I climbing a pole.


15 thoughts on “Are You for REAL?

  1. This was great. I have not seen any of the commercials ( I must live under a rock) but, I can truly visualize them….Yes, we do spend a lot of time on stupidity. I am not so sure it is a good thing to spend so much time hanging in the shallow end of the pool, but, it does not require much energy or thought and many people appear to enjoy it.

  2. When your husband is retired as long as mine has been under foot there is no problem with pesky commercials…..all day long as he sits at the computer with the t.v. on he automatically shuts off the sound every time a commercial comes on…..commercials and when Obama is speaking….Fox news is on all day long….so I have no idea one commercial from the next….
    Oh he does keep the sound on when Vince with Sham-Wow comes on….

  3. The wisteria looks gorgeous. So odd that it’s a weed for you and I struggle to get mine established.
    Sorry, I don’t watch Oprah – am I missing something? 🙂

  4. Penny

    Back again! I put the wrong address in my previous comment. Must be the thought of all that wisteria. 😉

  5. “Someone is suing them for stiffing customers with their inflated claims of product effectiveness.” Ha! More like someone is suing them for not getting stiff with their product! I too think those commercials are really bizarre.

    My hubby has a rowing machine that needed a new part, so he mailed an order into the company for it. The envelope was addressed to “Stamina Products” and I told him it looked like he was trying to buy some kind of male enhancement pills (not needed, by the way!)

  6. And that one where the sink springs a leak and shoots a fountain of water all over the kitchen and the couple laughs because, you know, the MOMENT will still be right) ??? PUHLEEZE.

  7. Damn — I’m going to have to start watching commercials. There is a whole conversation going here about a world I didn’t know existed.

  8. “stiffing customers with their inflated claims” – OMG! You are too funny. I am laughing so hard here I almost peed my pants!

  9. Mary you always hit the nail on the head! I can’t get over the commercials for so many products these days. The one that gets me annoyed is the “free” cell phone for people who are on medicaid. It comes with 200 free minutes, which in the hands of many would probably mean a few phone calls. Not sure who picks up the bill after that.

    I despise the “anti heroes” that we have these days — Tiger Woods, and Rielle Hunter, etc. I just heard a story about a football player that has fathered 7 children with 6 different women in 5 states! Are there no morals left in this country?

    However, I feel old and grumpy complaining about this. I just don’t watch the boob tube all that much and try to concentrate on better things. Life is too short!

    PS I don’t watch Oprah but I do enjoy taking her magazine home from the library, as it is often filled with wonderful writings by a diverse group of authors, and good book recommendations and recipes.

  10. Julie

    I too didn’t know there were so many commercials out there that I’m missing. You did echo a conversation my husband and I had about TV news coverage and the epidemic of stupidity. Instead of covering every Tigress, the bantering and law suits between Jon and Kate, Rielle Hunter and child, imagine if that time was used to educate the American public! That would be some TV to watch. But, that doesn’t sell ads and it is all about the almighty dollar!

  11. I guess we don’t get that commercial here in Canada because I’ve never seen it! lol I always say that they don’t know what to come out with anymore for commercials, they’ve become so stupid and quite often in bad taste. Whatever happened to cute little commercials like “Where’s the beef!”??? Honestly, some of the commercials are SO annoying, it completely makes me NOT want to buy their product. xoxo

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