Don’t Be Drinking Red Wine When the Aliens Come for You

Apparently there are plenty of wine slurpers out there looking for a cure.  Not for the drinking, but the errant spots on carpet or upholstery.

I am here to help you, Friends, as my rugs have not a trace of grape at the moment.

When Dearly Beloved spilled wine on the plush white (really, it’s cream) rug the other night, we knew that BLOTTING was the first step of CPR.  (Carefully Preserving Rug.) While DB worked on it with some old towels, I dashed to my computer and typed in “Removing Red Wine Stains from Carpet.”

I’d heard that white wine worked. . . OxyClean. . . club soda.  I had all of those on hand, but I wanted to know what was best. Help, help me, Google!

There may be 50 ways to lose your lover, but there are, in fact, 1,580,000 ways to remove red wine stains.   I went for the eHow method, which was the first one shown.  I’ve found those always seem logical.  (Coincidentally, I saw that Jane {TheycallmeJane blog} used that same site this week to check on How to Identify an Alien Abduction.  Let’s give ’em points for versatility!)

The instructions began by informing me that it wasn’t the end of the world.  I passed that information on to DB, who was looking pretty sick about the whole thing.

1. Start by blotting the spill with paper towels or a clean cloth.    Roger that.

2. Combine 1 tsp. carpet shampoo or dish detergent with 1 c. peroxide in a small bowl.

If there is one thing we have around here, it’s carpet cleaning stuff.  We have sprays for pet stains,  liquid for pet stains, and concentrate for pet stains.  Not quite what I was looking for.  I plundered through the cleaning cabinet over the dryer and pushed aside the OxiClean, finally locating a bottle of the carpet shampoo machine stuff we bought last year.  I’d use a teaspoon of that.

I raced to our bathroom to look for peroxide.  Nope.  The guest bathroom?  YESSS!!!

Now we were talking!

I selected a small Rubbermaid bowl.  That was probably not critical to our success.

Soak a clean sponge in the mixture, squeeze it halfway dry, then gently blot the stain. I grabbed two sponges from the sink and dashed into the living room and we began blotting again, this time with the sponges instead of the towel.

At first it looked grey, but then it began to look more promising.  We blotted and dabbed, then sponged with clean water and dabbed  and blotted again with clean towels.

We had done our best.  Was the e-How recipe a good choice?

I went back to my computer to read some of the Comments and noted a section I hadn’t seen the first time:

Commerical products like OxyClean and Wine Away do an excellent job of removing red wine stains, but try this homemade version if you don’t have either of those on hand.

You know, they could have mentioned that at the beginning.  We went back to our blotting, this time with OxyClean.  I used the same small Rubbermaid bowl, in case you’re taking notes.

I’ve never heard of Wine Away, but I’m adding that to my grocery list and will keep it with the OxyClean.  Those sound simpler than the peroxide, carpet shampoo formula.

Perhaps DB will be confident enough to drink wine in the living room again.  He hasn’t had the nerve to do that since The Incident.  Miss Piggy is still smirking.

Just out of curiosity, I decided to check the Alien Abduction Identification to see if there were tips and warnings at the bottom of that one.  Sure enough. . .

The more symptoms you can count, the more likely it is that you can correctly identify an alien abduction. If you have experienced all of these symptoms after a single event, chances are very high that you have been a victim.

Good advice, I suppose, but to paraphrase Dorothy in Jerry Maguire, I’m pretty sure I’d know they had me at Hello.


4 thoughts on “Don’t Be Drinking Red Wine When the Aliens Come for You

  1. I spewed my tea when I read, “I selected a small Rubbermaid bowl. That was probably not critical to our success.” And who knew about Wine Away? Not me! I’m adding it to my list right now!

  2. Thanks for the tip! Next time when Mr. Monk spilled the entire cup of Jamba Juice on the carpet AGAIN, I am calling you.

    OxyClean for this OxyMoron. Check.


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