Poochie Poo Chi

Since it’s cold everywhere, I won’t whine about the weather.   During our winters in the Midwest, we wished for January days like these.   Dearly Beloved would go cross-country skiing and come back exhilarated and sweaty.  I stayed home by the fire.

Here in North Carolina, he takes brisk walks in this cold weather and comes back exhilarated and sweaty.   I stay home by the fire.

Today, however, I donned my Minnesota coat and took Miss Piggy for a walk. This coat means business– some kind of silky suede-y fabric outside, a fake fur kind of lining, hooded, ankle-length, all black.

While DB was taking down the outside decorations the other day, darned if Miss Piggy didn’t eat more artificial berries off a wreath.  When she did that before Christmas we worried, but the only effect was parti-poop for the next few days.   She hates walking in cold weather, but we’re trying to keep her moving in more ways than one.   More accurately,  DB walks her, but since I’ve been inside for days,  I donned my Nanuck Goth coat and volunteered for the afternoon shift.

Miss P and I headed down the sidewalk at a fairly brisk pace.  There weren’t any other walkers in sight.

I heard a noise almost immediately.  Ah, nature!  Birds?  Squirrel chatter?  I looked into the trees, thinking I’d see the source.  Nothing.

Perplexed, I stopped for a minute to look around.  The noise stopped, too.  Instantly, I had a terrible thought:

Oh, puh-lease, don’t let that racket be my thighs!!!!

I resumed walking.  The noise began again, too.

NIIIIIIIIIIIIGHTMARRRRRRE!!!

I walked a few blocks listening to that horrifying rasp, hoping it was at least coming from the bottoms of my jeans and not crotch territory.  I thought of The Kitchen Witch‘s Shrink My Ass Month recipes and vowed to print and try every one of them.

Swish…swish…swish.

Every year around birthday time I do a self-assessment, note the problems, then do nothing about them.  Swishing, however, is a serious problem.  I’ve already realized  that my knees aren’t what they used to be.  Looks like it’s crunch time!

(When I went to the movie last week and made my obligatory trip to the restroom, I could have sworn they’d replaced their toilet with one from a kindergarten supply store.  Surely, it hasn’t always been that low!  I creaked going down and grunted coming up.  The bathroom at that theater is on the second floor.  There is a small restroom on the first floor with a taller toilet, but it has a sign taped to the door designating it for people who can’t go up and down stairs.  I’m fine on stairs; I simply have trouble going up and down commodes.)

I took Miss Piggy (and my singing thighs) an extra couple of blocks this afternoon, berating myself with every step.  I have a physical later in the month and I’d rather have a shot than step on those scales.

Miss Piggy did her colorful poop and I stopped to pick it up, so the noise stopped too.  BUT, when I reached in my coat pocket to pull out a bag, I thought I heard it briefly.

Wait a minute! I wasn’t walking, so it couldn’t be my jeans!

We resumed our walk.  I began to swing my arm a bit slower since I now toted the load Miss Piggy had been carrying earlier.  The noise changed its rhythm, too.

Holy moly , it wasn’t my thighs, it was my COAT!  Just the sleeve fabric rubbing against the body of the coat as I moved my arm!  Swish, swish! Such a lovely song!

Even so, it wouldn’t hurt for me to participate in Shrink my Ass month.  Miss Piggy needs to lose weight, too, and is already on a weight control dog food.  If we keep the walks going in this cold weather,  we’ll be sleek in time for the Easter bunny’s chocolate eggs.

I checked my e-mails later and found further inspiration.  Friend Birdie (who also hates exercise) had sent me an exercise video.   Poo Chi, anyone?


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9 thoughts on “Poochie Poo Chi

  1. Birdie

    Clarification: Birdie does not hate exercise, Birdie does NOT like pain. Gentle exercise is good, if ineffective. Thus, the absence of a dog and the presence of three cats.

  2. I quit buying corduroy pants when I realized that the friction could start a fire.

    I just had the horrifying thought that perhaps my thighs are making noise and I can’t hear them with the ipod in my ears. I’ll have to remove my ear buds next time I work out.

  3. You are hilarious!!!!!! I just picture you, walking briskly, eyes rolling around in your head at the idea that it’s thigh friction!!!

    Thanks for the linky love, Miss Fabulous!

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