Horoscopes aren’t my thing.  I wake up assuming it’s going to be a good day, taking my cue from the very act of waking up.  Any accompanying brain fog, sinus headache, backache, puffiness, or cowlicks will probably pass as the day continues.

For some reason I read my horoscope this morning and was baffled.  It rates my day as ***** –a five-star day–which means it will be DYNAMIC.   Something’s fishy here though,  because then it says, for my dynamic day, “Your actions could come back to haunt you.  Vagueness could become a bigger problem.”

Next I read DB’s horoscope, also a five-star day,  which advises, “You get a sense that not everyone gets what you share.  Look at your communication.”

How can either of us have a Dynamic Day with those predictions?  Both of them sound pretty blah to me.  Dynamic is more explosive…powerful.  These couldn’t be more milquetoast.

It becomes clear about ten minutes later when DB tells me, “You know, I’ve been thinking. . . . ”

Hmmmm.   I wonder what my beloved is about to say?  “You’re right–the living room chairs DO need to be recovered” or perhaps, “I think I’ll get a load of mulch and fix your rose bed like you wanted.”  Or even, “Let’s go out for a Monday morning waffle.” (After all, my friend Beanie tells me it IS National Waffle Week.)

Au contraire.

What he says, this sensitive man of mine, is, “You know the noise a horse makes when it blows out?” He makes a sound to clarify exactly which noise he means.

“That’s the noise you make when you snore.  You breathe in, then make that sound when you breathe out.  Wonder why that is.”

I’ve never believed in horoscopes before, but to quote My Cousin Vinny’s Mona Lisa Vito, as I often do, today’s entries seem to bedead on balls accurate.

I’ll worry about my filly-to-stud actions coming back to haunt me later.  For now, I’ll be certain to heed the rest of today’s advice;  vagueness will definitely not be a problem.

Mindful of what week it is. . . no waffling.


7 thoughts on “Horror-scopes

  1. Jincey08

    Welllll, I want to waffle! Maybe DB could record some of your snortings so that you could share them with your readers. Or we could look for you on iTunes!

  2. “Your actions could come back to haunt you.” Maybe this was warning you to watch how you respond to your husband’s observation!

    And who knew? National Waffle week? Looks like we’re going to have breakfast for dinner one night this week!

  3. 247things

    Let’s go with this snoring thing. My DB of 38 years still refuses to admit that she snores. She snores to the point that we’ve had to shore up the foundation to our house. I have to turn OFF the burglar alarm at night because her snoring sets it off. I’m tired of waking up to four cops with weapons drawn surrounding our bed. She snores to the point that our neighbors purchased soundproofing panels out of their own pockets and installed them in our bedroom while we were out of town. My bride snores so loud that while we were out of town our neighbors actually thought we were home!! So, stop complaining.

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