P.S. on the wine posting. . .
WHO KNEW that among my friends there were some who sat around drinking Gallo Hearty Burgundy decades ago?! It was like finding a common ancestor when I went through my e-mails.
Before I talk wine though, I must reluctantly inform 247 Things (see Comments on Gallo or Callo post) that he will probably not achieve the entrepreneurial success he planned with his idea of developing a Sweetpits deodorant especially for people who like to use their armpits for additional storage. Someone has gone one step beyond, 247. Read it and weep:
Already on the market is Aspray (pronounced ass-spray, naturally) which is a total body spray for whatever part of the body or clothing one feels is at issue, meaning the same $14.95 bottle of spray could be used for the old between-the-legs vise hold as well as the underarm cubbyhole. Aspray has a website, but my remaining shred of dignity will not allow me to include it.
(Note to my kids: Yes, Santa put Anti-Monkey Butt Powder in your stockings one year, but even Santa’s bag of weird gifts doesn’t include Aspray!)
Back to the wine, however. . . . I googled Gallo Hearty Burgundy to see what’s still on the market. One wine blog from a couple of years ago said that it had become choice among the chicest who were paying up to $50 a bottle for it. Good grief. That would be such a foul decision it would merit a spritz of Aspray if true, so that’s probably a good market demographic: anyone willing to pay $50 for a bottle of Gallo would probably put out $14.95 for a spray to keep them from. . . well. . . putting out.
I was not persuaded by the report, since the author was throwing out names like Paris Hilton, Brittany Spears, and P. Diddy as being “chic.” Phooey.
Moving on, I learned from another website that Gallo Hearty Burgundy is on the shelves now under the label Gallo Twin Valley. One reviewer said it was better than Trader Joe’s 3-buck Chuck. It should be at least twice as good since, at $5.99… it costs twice as much.
By that time I was so deep into looking at wine sites I could offer a correspondence course in cheapo wino-ism. I decided to read the correct methods for opening a bottle, to see if the armpit or groin were mentioned as suitable clamps. There are 1,300,000 sites, so I can’t give a definitive answer, but neither option was among the ones I viewed.
It appeared that how to hold it was not the question. How to open it without a corkscrew is what inspired the crazies to race for their cameras.
Engineers have a how-to-video using a long screw, a pair of pliers, and a screw driver. (“Corkscrew? Nope, don’t have one on me, but I do have this long screw, pliers, and screw driver here in my briefcase.”)
The how to open a bottle with a sword, a shoe, a string, or a wall videos all looked a little silly for my taste. One, however, did stand out as having a practical application. Picture this: you’re on a 10-mile hike and your backpack contains a gourmet picnic to enjoy now that you’ve reached the top of the mountain. When you spread it on the tablecloth, you discover you’re missing the corkscrew. It must have fallen out when you pulled out the roll of TP at the 4-mile mark. What now?
All is not lost.
Here, my friends, is how to open a bottle of wine with a tree.
This afternoon I checked the wine section of a nearby supermarket and there it was, just as the wine site said…the Gallo Twin Valley Hearty Burgundy. I bought a bottle on impulse, but now I’m reluctant to open it. Will it tarnish my memory of that 99-cent bottle of wine DB and I shared 40 years ago if this one tastes awful? Perhaps I should just let it be.
That leaves me with a $5.99 bottle of wine I don’t want. Tell Paris, Brittany, or P Diddy, I’m ready to talk deals.