Because it’s Father’s Day, I’m ignoring all the moans and shouts from the den….
“Left!!! … Oh, GOSH!!!”
Those shouts are from Dearly Beloved. Golf tournament and baseball. My Father’s Day gift to him is the remote control and meals delivered to him on a tray so he won’t miss a minute. Either he’s a man of simple tastes or things are awfully good around here because that was what he wanted. Today’s Arlo & Janis comic strip describes the situation around here. The embed link is broken, so go to comics.com and look at the June 21 strip. Could be the same at your house! Happy Father’s Day, DB!
Last night I was looking at a magazine in bed. It’s one of those at the checkout stand and I picked it up because it had a Fat-Burning “Australian Formula” diet that suggests I can “lose weight like a thin person!” Oh, Woman’s World, you are so funny with your diety words right beneath the photos of cakes and cookies! However, I do read the diets in case one inspires me to give DB a skinny wife for Father’s Day one year.
This one grabbed me because the woman quoted in the diet (assuming she’s real) is 51, not some 20-something who has the advantage of hormones and all that perky stuff. If I’m going to try a diet, don’t make me have to read a book, add, or cook all day. Lay it out for me nice and simple-like! The diet is interesting, but the hints are even more so. (Want to save money on a cruise? Get on a ship that goes nowhere.) Then I reached the ads….
There is a full-page ad with the heading GOT TURKEY NECK? This being a women’s magazine, it almost sounds like they’re going to give us a recipe for some kind of Chinese soup. Nope, for $90 they’re going to “visibly lift, tighten, smooth, and tone neck and decolletage. ” I wonder how low I could go at slathering that cream around. My stomach could use some tightening too. Their motto is: Remember…”If you have skin…you need StriVectin.”
Well, there you go! I’ve got skin and plenty of it. How large is that jar?
Then, just across from it is another full page ad headlined Want a SEXY butt? That’s just the way they have it written, with the SEXY in large red letters. It says that “sooner or later, they all begin to spread, flatten, sag, or droop” and the product they offer to combat that is a “BUTT LIFT” IN A BOX!!! (Yes, three exclamation points.) It will give me a “Prestige Derriere.” Hot damn!
I think I’d need to read the fine-print on this. That OR may be an “out” for them. Suppose one’s butt has spread, flattened, sagged AND drooped. Is the butt lift going to be able to scoop all of that back in the original packaging?
This one costs $99. In my case, that would probably be the best bet for the money as my butt would require more lifting, poundage-wise and area-wise. And for just $9 extra! If that box is large enough, perhaps I could rub a little on my neck and get a two-fer. Hey, while I’m “detailing” the old body, maybe a dab on my arm flags….
The picture of the Butt Lift in a Box is a little small but there is a blue cloth of some kind lying there. Hold on just a minute…they’d better not be trying to sell me a butt sling!
You know, for $99 I could have my AARP body in a bikini soon. I’ll take it on that cruise to nowhere.