Going Nowhere?

Because it’s Father’s Day, I’m ignoring all the moans and shouts from the den….

“Left!!! … Oh, GOSH!!!”

Those shouts are from Dearly Beloved.   Golf tournament and baseball.   My Father’s Day gift to him is the remote control and meals delivered to him on a tray so he won’t miss a minute.     Either he’s a man of simple tastes or things are awfully good around here because that was what he wanted.    Today’s Arlo & Janis comic strip describes the situation around here.   The embed link is broken, so go to comics.com and look at the June 21 strip.  Could be the same at your house!  Happy Father’s Day, DB!  

Last night I was looking at a magazine in bed.  It’s one of those at the checkout stand and I picked it up because it had a Fat-Burning “Australian Formula” diet that suggests I can “lose weight like a thin person!”  Oh,  Woman’s World, you are so funny with your diety words right beneath the photos of cakes and cookies!    However, I do read the diets in case one inspires me to give DB a skinny wife for Father’s Day one year. 

This one grabbed me  because the woman quoted in the diet (assuming she’s real) is 51, not some 20-something who has the advantage of hormones and all that perky stuff.   If I’m going to try a diet, don’t make me have to read a book, add, or cook all day.  Lay it out for me nice and simple-like!  The diet is interesting, but the hints are even more so.  (Want to save money on a cruise?  Get on a ship that goes nowhere.)    Then I reached the ads….

There is a full-page ad with the heading GOT TURKEY NECK?  This being a women’s magazine, it almost sounds like they’re going to give us a recipe for some kind of Chinese soup.  Nope, for $90 they’re going to “visibly lift, tighten, smooth, and tone neck and decolletage. ” I wonder how low I could go at slathering that cream around.  My stomach could use some tightening too.   Their motto is: Remember…”If you have skin…you need StriVectin.” 

Well, there you go!  I’ve got skin and plenty of it.  How large is that jar?

Then, just across from it is another full page ad headlined Want a SEXY butt?  That’s just the way they have it written, with the SEXY in large red letters.    It says that “sooner or later, they all begin to spread, flatten, sag, or droop” and the product they offer to combat that is a “BUTT LIFT” IN A BOX!!!  (Yes, three exclamation points.)  It will give me a “Prestige Derriere.”   Hot damn!  

I think I’d need to read the fine-print on this.  That OR may be an “out” for them.  Suppose one’s butt has spread, flattened, sagged AND drooped.  Is the butt lift going to be able to scoop all of that back in the original packaging?  

This one costs $99.  In my case, that would probably be the best bet for the money as my butt would require more lifting, poundage-wise and area-wise.  And for just $9 extra!  If that box is large enough, perhaps I could rub a little on my neck and get a two-fer.  Hey, while I’m “detailing”  the old body, maybe a dab on my arm flags….

The picture of  the Butt Lift in a Box  is a little small but there is a blue cloth of some kind lying there.    Hold on just a minute…they’d better not be  trying to sell me a butt sling!

You know,  for $99 I could have my AARP body in a bikini soon.  I’ll take it on that cruise to nowhere.


5 thoughts on “Going Nowhere?

  1. Well, Mary Lee, you said it all. What’s been on my simple mind for a while… I called them chicken necks. Just for fun, I used two flesh colored bandaids to lift my stretched out neck and you know what? It took 10 years off my face! LOL!

    I sat at the dealership waiting for my car to be serviced last week and read about the same stuff – butt raising, belly tucking, blah blah blah. But will any of these procedures really make a difference?

    I’ll stick with the bandaids.

    LOL! Great post…

  2. LOL! How funny!! And the bandaids LOL! Sagging and/or gone or additional skins and fat pads we suffer as we age so gracefully -teehee. I was complaining one time about “all the bouncing” from the riding lawn mower – one I was living on, it seemed, lol – and how my poor saggin’ boobs just couldn’t take it anymore. As she sat there with youthful breasts – not offering to mow grass, at that – she said “how about one of those nice spandex sports bras with the extra support??” Oh yeah… you mean the ones that cost $40.00 and will make me sweat even worse??? I have a better, cheaper solution. See these white cotton socks all nice and clean and wadded up ready to put in the sock drawer? Place one under each sag in the existing bra and ……. ride on! Worked! LOL!

    1. Mary…we may need a picture of bandaid placement. That’s much cheaper than the jar stuff.

      Jay, you’re a freakin’ genius! Spandex was invented by Satan, you know.

  3. Angela

    I actually picked up the same issue with the “Australian Formula” diet in it. I’ve had it over a month now, but decided to start it this past week. I actually love this diet and I have tried them all. I have only been on it four days and have lost almost six pounds. You are never hungry and I really find myself making myself eat. It has a good variety, but wish I had more. I guess you just have learn to be creative.

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