Maybe it wasn’t the night the animals talked, but it certainly has been the week the animals did weird stuff.
With Miss Piggy, of course, it’s hard to tell. She’s always weird; she just ramped it up a notch this week. She is obsessed with the brown chew bone she stole from the grandsons’ puppy. Shameless hussy. Now, fearful that the same fate will befall her, she roams the house, moaning and crying, carrying that darned chew in her mouth, not crosswise like an ordinary dog would carry it, but lengthwise, like she’s smoking it. Just last night Dearly Beloved had to get out of bed and order her to stop pacing and get her cigar-smoking fat self into her dogbed.
Remember this is the dog that snores so loudly she drowns out the noise of the clothes dryer with the two dimes clanking inside its innards. (I have no idea how I know it’s two dimes, but I’m sure of it.) If DB had rather put up with Miss Piggy’s snoring than her spectral nocturnal wandering, it’s BAD! As ghastly-ghostly-bad as a cigar-smoking, chubby, cocker spaniel drama queen can make it.
Our neighbor’s dog, who makes Miss Piggy look like a Weight Watchers instructor, also wanders at night. Toast is one of her favorite snacks and she does love a midnight snack. She wakes the family, shoves a bar stool over to the toaster, puts her front paws on it , and waits until someone makes the magic toast pop out. A 110-lb. lab with a hankering for carbs is hard to ignore.
Night before last, while the family went out for a movie, Flabby Labby had serious gastronomical blowout. No hint of illness before they left, but they returned to find hazardous waste all over house and rushed her to emergency vet where she was examined, put on intravenous fluids and kept overnight. What caused it is still a mystery but she has returned home and is recuperating on a diet of chicken and rice. Here are vet’s possible reasons for illness: stress colitis (no one home to make the toast?) or kitty litter indiscretion. The diagnosis was made with incomplete information, however as vet “cannot assess internal organs due to obesity.”
There was a third option that the vet never suspected. My friends caught the dog walking toward the bedroom with a wine glass carefully held in her mouth. She had apparently removed it from the sink. Perhaps a wine bottle tucked away somewhere earlier thus bringing on a vino indiscretion?
It was a busy night at the emergency veterinary office because someone had brought in ten baby deer rescued from some guy’s garage. Makes you wonder, doesn’t it?
Remember when Miss Piggy had a chat with a turtle beside our deck a month or so ago? We hadn’t seen it since and assumed the turtle’s infatuation with Miss P was over. But then. . .
Can turtles climb? Our deck has a hefty step. When we didn’t let Miss Piggy outside, the turtle turned around and stomped off in a snit.
Perhaps it was the full moon in June. The Flabby Labby is back at the trough, Miss Piggy’s turtle friend has disappeared again, and the baby deer are in safe hands. With animals, you never know what’s next.
Perhaps a nicotine patch?