May The Force Be With Someone Else

The hand-eating wall
The hand-eating wall

Yesterday was definitely a moan-worthy Monday, but even griping would have taken too much effort.

Camp Granddad closed Sunday and the staff  began recuperating  in prone position on the den sofas.   Monday morning the house, which usually feels about one room short of what I’d like  felt cavernous and echoey.  I didn’t have the heart to wash the fingerprints off the windows just yet and Dearly Beloved decided to wait at least another day to tighten all the door knobs which had loosened over several days of abuse  by a two-year-old who insisted on being doorman.  

As I was piling dirty laundry into the washer I glanced out my laundry room window and saw puffs of white in the yard next door.   I hate to use the overworked term “great bone structure” but it is so evident in that garden, although years of  dubious ministrations by a  previous owner’s  inept landscape crew  have taken their toll.    A long filled-in pool area is ringed with   particularly interesting plantings and that is where the mysterious white puffs rose.  A row of  blooming yuccas, perhaps?  I was curious.  Maybe I’d take a picture in case I wanted to do a garden posting.

Outside, I couldn’t see a thing because of the high brick latticed patterned wall and the towering  Leyland cypress border.  Darn!  I was still in my bathrobe and didn’t want to walk around their house to see from the other side, so in a stroke of mad genius which turned out to be idiocy, I squeezed my hand and my little  camera through one of the small lattice holes, pointed the camera in the general area of the puffs, turned it on, and clicked.   I hit the Off button to retract the lens so that I could pull camera and hand back through the small hole.   Nothing happened.

No click, no lens retraction.   The battery had completely given out in that one last gasp shot.  (I won’t admit how long it took me to figure that out.)

I tried again.  Nothing.

My hand was stuck  in a six-foot lattice wall.  I could not remove it unless the lens retracted or I dropped the camera.   Neither was apt to happen.  Do things like that happen to other people?  I can see into a least seven different back yards from our upper deck and I have never seen a neighbor,  robed or not,  with her  hand stuck in a fence.  The Force is with me, all right; it enjoys jerking me around. 

Eventually I worked my way free by sticking the other hand through another hole and dangling the camera by its strap to pull my hand free, then pulling  the camera by the strap, guiding it with my other hand.   Of course all of this took place by our wrought iron gate, putting me in  plain sight of the passing parade of daily joggers and dog walkers.  

After I had recharged the camera battery, I encountered  another mechanical failure when I sat down to work on my laptop.  The one remaining hinge on my notebook cracked  as I opened it and my screen did a back flip and banged against my knees.  Duct tape wasn’t going to fix that. 

There was no good place to put it on a table and shove it against the wall.  The desk has plates hanging above it.  My solution was to hold a sofa cushion sideways between my knees after pillows turned out to be too soft to hold it erect.  In other words, I had to kegel  in order to hold the cushion in place  to support the laptop screen.    Not only was it not pretty or comfortable, it wasn’t conducive to rational thought.

I wasn’t the only one doing unusual maneuvers.  There was the matter of The Little Psycho. . . .

The grandsons decorated our parking pad with chalk art Saturday and we will enjoy it until rain washes it away.  Their brightly colored drawings and writing did not deter Miss Piggy from rolling there, scratching her back on the grainy surface.  When we  let her back inside,  her blond coat was rainbow-hued.  One side is a soft blue, the other yellow,  and her ears are that champagne pink color that old ladies use on  white hair.  It is quite an silly sight.  (The dog, I mean.  No comment on the old ladies.) 

As I have previously mentioned, Miss Piggy is quite the pooper and her anal sacs have to be emptied at least once  a month, a task I never intend to undertake myself.   Miss Piggy’s sacs must have maxed out,  because she  began her Scooting Dance.   She sat down with her back legs in front of her and sledded  her bottom across the sisal rug, back and forth, to scratch it, looking like some absurd windup toy, especially in technicolor.    (Note to self:  should  the urge to exercise on this rug ever strike, get over it.)

Do you have the picture?   Last night I was attempting to type with my brick-scratched  hands on a laptop being held up by a sofa cushion squeezed  between my knees as I kegeled to hold it in place  while a rainbow-hued dog scooted  back and forth on the rug in front of me.   I gave up and went to bed.

Dearly Beloved opened his eyes and smiled at me when I crawled under  the covers.  Eyes open. . . that means awake, right?   So I said, “The Little Psycho’s anal glands are full and she’s scooting so I’m going to make an appointment for a bath tomorrow morning.”

There was silence for a minute, then he called out in the darkness,  “NEWS FLASH!  The dog is scooting.  That can’t wait until morning!”  

He threw back the sheet and stomped over to the bedroom door.  “I expect she’s out here scooting up and down the hall right now.” 

Smartass.  I didn’t bother to tell him I’d been kegeling for two hours.

The Doorman put on his own shoes.
The Doorman put on his own shoes.
The through-the-wall photo
The through-the-wall photo
Miss Piggy is camera shy.
Miss Piggy is camera shy.

11 thoughts on “May The Force Be With Someone Else

  1. Sharon

    Kegeling and ka-noodlin’ on the computer. Multi-talented I’d say. And, the neighbors landscape looks like a pool landscape filled in with lawn.

    1. merrilymarylee

      It’s a great track now for their kids’ tricycles. 🙂 When the tots get older they hand them shovels and say, “There’s a pool under there. Start digging!”

  2. HEE crack me up! great fun filled how you left the pictures until last.

    You are an amazing writer…

    I wish you would add an email subscription update to your that I would never miss a post!
    let me know if you do..i will be the first to sign up!

    1. merrilymarylee

      Dawn, you flatterer, you! Do you really think that somebody who doesn’t recognize a low battery sign on a camera could set up an e-mail subscription update? Not even with WordPress for Dummies at my side! (sigh) I am DAZZLED by all of the bells, boxes, dangles, diamonds, and doodads on your blog. I have no clue how to do any of that. Next time you visit the Sickstas in NC, maybe I can sit at your feet and watch you in action.

  3. Not much time, on for a quick sec! Came by earlier …. and – hahahaha …. when I was reading this earlier I thought I was going to laugh myself to pieces. Funniest thing I’ve read in forever – start to finish – by the time I got to the last paragraph my forehead and eyebrow area had begun to hurt so bad from no break in laugh, I had to stop and begin a self massage to my forehead, which helped – until the kegeling!

    I’m about 1/2 way through reading it again. Miss Piggy’s bottom has found the sisal rug…

    What a great laugh!

    1. merrilymarylee

      I always love it when you stop by. Someday I’m going out with my brother on a river somewhere and he’ll go round a bend and say, “Look at that crazy person taking pictures of the underside of that bridge!” and I’ll know just who it is!

  4. Oh, I am so sorry, but I’ve been laughing for ten minutes. Your descriptions are wonderful. And am I to understand you still don’t know the origin of the white fluff?

    How much “fun” can one person have in a single day? Oh, and part of the night?

    1. merrilymarylee

      Isn’t it some kind of yucca? Lord’s Candle…Devil’s Candle…something like that. I’ve never seen them in a row like that and the green needles are very small. What is it?

  5. You know what? I’m pretty tired right now but you kept me on the edge of my chair with a good belly laugh tonight. Ahhhh.

    “In other words, I had to kegel in order to hold the cushion in place to support the laptop screen..”

    And. Poor Miss Piggy. She’s cute. But I hate scooter butts.

    The confessional style of writing really works for you.


  6. Yucca? Isn’t that what it is? lol .. (this it the “buttiest” funniest and “funnest” post I’ve ever landed on) I’ve never heard it called Devils or Lords Candle, but …. teehehe …. I think I have a theory on why it has those two names. We had Yucca one time, and after about 5 years of the Yucca, we wanted to get rid of the Yucca which we learned (the hard way) was not easy at all because it required getting all the Yucca up by all its roots (which I am certain go all the way to hell – maybe a reason it got the name Devils Candle because the roots live way down there with the devil) and then … lol – here comes the Lord. The Lord appeared in this picture when he heard those calling his name out when they accidentally came to rest upon (as in sat on) the Yucca’s purplish red barbs when taking a rest from the root pulling mission and thought they had sat on a fire. That has to be the candle part? I’ll never forget this funny, fun post!

    And that Miss Piggy is so so cute! Butt and all!!

    1. merrilymarylee

      I am so glad you wrote that down! We might have to write a garden book just to use that amazing story! LOL!!!

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