My friend Jincey, chief collector of jokes, just sent me a copy of The Man Rules. If you haven’t read them, here they are:
THE MAN RULES
So it’s about time we laid down some rules. The Man Rules. These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered “1″ ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports, It’s like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes or No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
And if you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question that you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer that you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really.
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, hockey or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
I was curious to see who wrote this stuff and when I Googled Who authored “The Man Rules”, one of the answers that popped up was GOD. I don’ think so, Lucy! I decided to get off THAT slope in a hurry, so my definitive answer is “I don’t know” who wrote it, but I do like the disclaimer note at the bottom of this blog .
Search engines often send one on a merry chase. When I mentioned on my Stripping post that Blondie Bumstead at perky breasts at age 80+ someone searching for such a perk was directed to my site. Talk about a wrong number!
I have one to add to The Man Rules list. I’ve written in manspeak for their benefit because I have seen these rules in play in my own house. Friends have said the same.
1. In matters of Home Repair, the wife is exaggerating. Nothing is dripping, creaking, or peeling. That’s just your imagination or, at most, general wear and tear. Ignore it.
1. If there is a problem which could possibly involve a) use of power tools or b) climbing to dangerous heights, do not call a repair service. This one is MINE! (This rule does not go into effect until one is a card-carrying member of AARP.)
Are you kidding? What’s WRONG with it? That’s my Dearly Beloved, who needs to get his arse and his electric blower off that roof right now. He’s blowing the dreaded oak catkins off the roof and the gutters. Couldn’t we hire someone for that? Quick! Cover the grandsons’ eyes!
My friend Cray told me a similar tale: her husband denied hearing a drip drip and discounted the possibility of a leaky roof until rain finally started falling onto the piano. Instead of calling a roofer, however, he is about to make his third trip up the ladder onto a rain-slicked, steeply pitched roof. Yes, he has his AARP card. Let’s hope his insurance card is in the same pocket.
Some months ago I heard DB yelling at our neighbor, a tall, gangly guy, also retired. I ran outside to see what the commotion was about just in time to see the neighbor, just recovering from knee surgery, walking, gymnast-style, (I’d give him a 5.4 at most!) atop the narrow brick wall between our houses, a hedge clipper purring loudly in his hand as he made his way to the back hedge on the other side of the wall. DB was yelling at him to get down before he hurt himself! The reason I had been having trouble hearing was because Dearly Beloved, wedged in the branches of the large crepe myrtle, had a chain saw roaring in his right hand, balancing himself with his left hand, as he cut off some of the limbs that brushed against the house.
Another friend’s husband was much more sensible, she thought. None of that roof stuff. On a quiet Sunday morning he trimmed the surrounding shrubbery from the deck, using long-handled loppers. No ladders, no dangerous climbing. Then she noticed just one little problem:
He was out there in only his underwear.
Personally, I think The Man Rule definitely needs revision. Don’t want to sound harsh or threaten their manhood, so let’s do this:
Elminate Rule 1, Dude.