Waiting…Waiting…!

There will be a pop quiz at the end.  Fair warning.

You have an appointment at a clinic.  The entry door opens into the middle of a rectangular waiting area with a center aisle dividing it into two squares.  Chairs ring the outer wall of each square.  Amid each square, chairs are set up in back to back rows as if a rousing game of musical chairs is about to begin.  It isn’t.  You’re at a heart clinic.

You know from the hideous, stained chair upholstery that whoever set up the design had no taste, but a wicked sense of humor.  On the far right, a flat-screen TV is turned to FOX news.  On the left, CNN. That should really be MSNBC to make it a fairer choice, but you’re sick of politics anyway, so you choose one of the chairs against the front wall of the building, near the door where you entered.

Directly under the wall-mounted CNN TV is a sofa, facing toward the front door.  You see two children, a boy who is perhaps five and a girl you’d guess to be three.  Beside them on the sofa is a clutter of fast food wrappers and two kids’ meal bags from an unknown fast food place and at the end of the couch, a woman of indeterminate age.  She has waist-length hair and is wearing a white blouse tucked into a long gathered black skirt.  She’s somewhat overweight and looks pale and puffy, as if the Pillsbury Dough Boy’s genes dominated in a liaison with Betty Crocker.  Perhaps she’s in a religious organization or even a cult?

Your entry was evidently a cue for the children to jump up for a rousing parade.  They grab their drinks and start running in a circle, laughing and shouting.   When they sail past you, you note that the girl’s bottle and the boy’s sippy cup are filled with chocolate milk.  On their second fly-by, you see that some of the boy’s teeth are black with decay.

They race back to the sofa, drop their drinks, and pick up…OMG… WHISTLES!  (You want the name of that fast food company so you can send your first hate letter.)  So, you have two whistle-blowing kids running in circles around the musical chair setup.  Two elderly patients in wheelchairs are at the end of the rows, so they get extra long blasts as the children run within inches of their heads.

You wonder if the staff is deaf.  Again, it’s a HEART CLINIC.

The woman, you aren’t even sure it’s their momma, calls out in a monotone voice, “You need to blow those whistles outside.  You might bother someone in here.”

Two problems.  They’re preschoolers.  ”Outside” is a parking lot and it’s over 100 degrees.     Is she going to send them out into traffic or go out with them?

Neither.  They continue running and blowing on the whistles.

You realize that all FOX watchers probably aren’t armed because all they can shoot is dirty looks.  The woman looks unfazed.  UNTIL, that is, she picks up a man’s leather belt she has beside her and folds it into quarters.  The next time they run by, she says, in the same monotone, “I brought the belt.” 

They ignore her and continue their game.  The next time they pass her, she pops them–not at all hard–on their bottoms as they run past, but promises, “I’m going to whip you with the belt when we get to the car.”  

Okay, you decide, she’s probably their mother, but she sure as heck isn’t mother of the year.  The children are bratty, but what kind of life do they have with a mother who not only thinks it’s acceptable to hit them with a belt, but so relaxed about it that she carries it around in public as her weapon of choice.

Here’s my question: I’m just curious here. . . what will you do?  Anything you can do?   You find yourself so unnerved for a while, you can’t even remember why you’re there.

That’s the bonus question:  Why are you there?

You’re there for a Stress Test.

Checking My Zzzzz’s

One particular greeting card used to tickle daughter Boo and me so much that any time we saw it, we’d clean out the entire stock.  On the front is a kentaurides.  (That’s a female centaur, but I don’t know if it’s singular or plural.  Google doesn’t know everything.)   She’s wearing a pearl necklace and high-heeled pumps, and carrying a patent leather purse.

The message inside reads, “Much has happened since last we spoke.”  

That says it all for my summer vacation.

This isn’t the card, but a photo I found on the internet of a 4th century mosaic tile.  Sag those bosoms three breast-fed babies worth, pudge up the stomach, and get those upper arms flapping in the breeze, and I could use it to obtain a voter registration ID.  In Pennsylvania.

I’ll tell you more about the eventful summer in other posts.  (As Dorothy Boyd told Jerry Maguire, we all have our own sad stories.)

This is about my Tuesday night sleepover.

One of my doctors (yeah, I have “staff” now!) sent me to the local Sleep Center to be tested for sleep apnea after Dearly Beloved ratted out my snoring to said doctor.

The room was surprisingly nice.  Flat screen TV, DVD player, even an oscillating fan for white noise. ( I used to love to sleep with a fan on before I married DB, who needs tomb-like quiet.)

The invitation (okay, the instruction sheet) said no sleeping in only underwear, which seemed an unnecessary statement, considering the camera pointed at the bed and a technologist who planned to watch me all night.   I’d packed both pajamas and gown, since I wasn’t sure what they’d be sticking where and I wanted to be prepared for anything.

Instructions had specified freshly shampooed but not conditioned hair, a prescription for enough static electricity to turn my hair into a dandelion.  It crossed my mind that I might fry my wired self when I walked across the carpet and reached for the doorknob.

Check-in was at 7:45 PM.  Upon investigation,  I noticed a couple of things that were missing from the room:  a window and a bathroom.  ”The facilities” were about 20 feet down the hall, shared with the three other sleeping rooms in the building.  It wasn’t so much sharing a bathroom, as it was having to trek down the hall in my gown.  I looked like a robot without its outer cover.

The form I signed,  advising me that the tape they were using could irritate my skin, was an understatement.  My face wasn’t just irritated; it was pissed off royally.  I looked like I’d been released too early from a burn unit.  It’s still peeling.

As usual for me, I babbled through the sensor attaching, telling the technician how my husband gave me a hard time about needing to pack a bag every time I went from room to room.  Later, after I laid out my paperback novel, newspaper, puzzles, knitting, water bottle, cough drops, and meds on the bedside table, she said she saw his point.

Exhibit A:  The Upper “Accessories”

I took this picture in the bathroom mirror.  The colored wires there were attached to my face and scalp.   The black belt around my chest was one of a pair.  The other was around my waist, helping to rein in the dangling wires.

Exhibit B:  The Full Monty.

Once I was all wired and plugged in, my bladder immediately demanded attention.  The technician cheerfully unplugged and wrapped the cords around my neck so that I could make the trip.

Back in the room and under the covers, the technician added one of those finger clothespins to monitor my oxygen and stuck a couple of plastic doodads in my nostrils to show I was breathing during the night.  The leg sensors dangling between my legs were especially annoying.  I kept caching them between my toes.

The technician wanted to make certain the sensors were properly placed, so she went into the Staff Only room and called out commands via the speaker beside the bed. “Close your eyelids.  Now, move your eyes right, then left.  Now up and down. Push out your stomach.”  

She could see movements behind my closed eyes?!?  Creepy!  Could she read dreams?  I  hoped I didn’t pass gas.

I turned out the light and eventually went to sleep.  Not as soundly as I do at home, but still. . . for being wired like a Rockefeller Center holiday tree, I managed to get some shut eye, at least until the technician came in at 3 AM to check the plastic doodad in my right nostril.

My bladder woke, too, so I had to be unplugged to make the run to the in-house outhouse down the hall.  By the time I was re-plugged, there was no more real sleep.  At 5:30 AM,  the tech came in to unwire me.  I completed the checkout forms and was ready to leave before 6, anxious to come home and fall into bed for some serious sleeping.

“No, Honey, you have to go home and wash your hair right away.  The goo I put on your scalp to make the sensors stick hardens fast.”

My bed at home that night felt wonderful, but I woke the next morning to find DB had fled to the guest room.

He said I’d snored.

Blimey, They’re Slimy!

When I came upon what looked to be a petrified pile of dog poop in the yard, I was baffled.  Who did THAT?  It wasn’t Ivy’s or Miss Piggy’s.  (Sad as it sounds, I do have expertise in that area.)  I went back into the garage to get a shovel so that I could remove it.

When I scooped the shovel underneath, the ‘pile’ fell apart and I saw what it really was.

Coitus Interruptus on a spade?

EEYYYYEEEWWW!

Before you make too much fun of me for not being able to tell a snail from a pile of poo, picture the two interlocked.  Thankfully, it’s not an everyday sight.  How do they even find each other?

I was so grossed out that I opened the garbage lid and tossed them in.

I’ve felt guilty about it ever since.  Had I trashed rare snails?  Had I ‘offed’ somebody’s mother and the baby daddy?

When I googled to read just how serious my sin, I read how very hard it is for snails to survive in a world with badass humans who kill them.

Can snails contribute to Wikipedia?

It didn’t take long for the Ghost of Snails Past to begin its haunt.  A  few days later, I walked into the sunroom and found it waiting for me on the sliding glass door.

The Haunting.

Yep.  It had suctioned itself to the sliding glass door.

GROSS!

Since the ugly little bastard was playing on my guilt, it probably thought it had a free pass to slime the door.   What to do, what to do….

I took the safe option:  I yelled for Dearly Beloved.

He dispatched it to a safe area, that being in a natural area wa-a-ay away from the garden AND the door.

Enough with suction-ing creatures attaching themselves to my house!

Then I went into the guest bathroom and looked at the mirror.

That one stays.

Rear Window, Canine Style

It isn’t just some of our grandsons who attend Camp Grandad.  There is also a canine unit.  When it gets noisy around here, our bedroom, which is on the backside of the house, is a quiet place to take a breath.  The room is restful, the view serene.

Usually.

Yesterday, Granddog Ivy quite suddenly became intrigued with gardening.  We had no idea what inspired this sudden interest, but she viewed, sniffed, and pawed it from every angle for over two hours.  The CSI Miami team could not have been more thorough.

I took pictures through the bedroom window.  Not wanting to distract her, I didn’t use the flash.

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Suddenly. . . the aha moment!

She nosed down and with a sudden quick motion, flung something up onto the slate path and jumped up after it.

What was it?

Don’t let it be a snake.  PLEASE don’t let it be a snake. . . !

The hunter, relentless in her pursuit, had captured her fast-moving quarry!

I hope the squirrels were watching.  We relocated the turtle outside the fence, but we’re not making any promises to the tree rats.

100+ Looks Better on a Spelling Test

Yes, it’s just as hot as you think it is.  Take a look at this chart from the National Climactic Data Center.

Those red spots point out the places where maximum temperatures were broken in June.  I found this in a most interesting article on NPR’s website.  You can read the entire article here.

Camp Grandad has certainly been impacted by the heat.  It’s just too darned hot to play.  Too hot to garden, to cook, to play golf, even to swim.  My library card currently has 51 books checked out and I think Dearly Beloved’s card might be smoking also.  The grandsons are fast readers and no one wants to be caught short.

Brit (that’s what I’ll call my English friend from now on)  e-mailed this week to offer sympathy about our searing heat.  She said that she could scarcely imagine it, since they are having a cool, wet summer in England.

She thought this video might help.

Camp Grandad: The Rainy Week

If there is one thing we’ve learned about Camp Grandad (yes, we’re minimalists–able to run it with only one “d”!) it is to expect the unexpected.

Like a week of drenching rains.

The three little guys and their mom are staying in an apartment on the beach for six weeks, with their dad coming on weekends.  The boys are come daily to the beach-house-not-on-the-beach for swim team practice and golf lessons with Grandad, as well as impromptu baseball, soccer, rugby, shark tag, and other games with the friends they’re already made here.  Usually, at least one of the chaps spends the night with us.

Our only camper-in-residence full-time is their dog, Ivy.  Miss Piggy has resigned herself to tolerating her niece,  but is still having to work on her sociability skills, especially in matters of food.

Speaking of food, Dearly Beloved and I have three kids–all excellent cooks–whose  dietary habits bear little resemblance to the food of their childhood.  One is concerned with fats and portion control to the extent that I pack emergency food rations for clandestine bedroom snacking during our visits.  The second packs his own snacks for visits to us since he’s into acai, pomegranate juice, and power shakes.

The third, who not long ago sold her grain-grinding bread machine in order to buy an equally fancy juicer when she decided on a vegan lifestyle for her family, advises that she is now leaning instead toward a paleo diet for both her family and her pets.  I’ve not read about the diet , but judging by the root word, I think that Dearly Beloved should head out to hunt and gather.

However, Daughter simply specified “no high-fructose corn syrup” and ”no screens,”  for her merry men.  I asked her to repeat that second part three times–I wasn’t even sure I was hearing right, since I didn’t know what “no screens” meant.  A week of rain with three energetic boys around made me a fast learner:  no computers, iPads, iPods,  or iTouches.  No TV.   I’d thought she’d said, “No screams.”  Definitely not the case.

By Day 2, we had checked two dozen books out of the library.   Granddad (aka “Gwandad”) and I were sitting in the sunroom with youngest grandson one evening as  I read aloud one of Beverly Cleary’s “chapter books”  in my best, most expressive voice.  My hopes that the little chap would enjoy it as much as his mother had were dashed when he interrupted,  asking, “Does anybody want to see my armpits?”

The times, they are a chaingin’.  

By Day 3, the older two were looking for some high-flying action.

Looks like some things never change after all.

Do you think the printer will still accept that paper?

Be Gone Ya!

Some years I leave my potted angel wing begonia on the screened porch all year and try to remember to toss a blanket over it on extremely cold nights. The plant always manages to survive, but it does look peaked sometimes.  This past year, it was the summer heat that really did a number on it.  Not knowing what temperatures winter might bring, I was afraid to let it remain out there, so we brought it inside around Thanksgiving and put it in front of a bedroom window.

It convalesced, to say the least.

Recently, when I asked Dearly Beloved to put it back on the porch for the summer, he resisted, telling me, “No, no, I think it looks good in here.  I like it right where it is.”   

Really?  

REALLY?

A Nice Ring to This Story

When Good Egg Son drove down from Virginia to meet Dearly Beloved at the beach for some father/son bonding time,  they planned nonstop activities–jogging, golf, body surfing in the ocean, more golf, and watching ballgames at night.  Too much action for me.

My ideas of family bonding run more toward assembling a jigsaw puzzle and sharing a box of chocolates with me getting all the ones with nuts.  I remained in Charlotte and kept Miss Piggy with me, so they were free to do whatever they wanted as long as they kept the house tidy, since realtors were showing it a couple of times.

Male Paradise.  What could go wrong?

On the first afternoon, DB sent me an e-mail that while they’d been bodysurfing in the ocean,  Good Egg Son lost his wedding band.

This was right after the tropical depression had blown through, so the remnants still had the ocean churning.   Because the ring was platinum, the color would not provide much of a contrast between the sand and all the crushed shells.  Their searching seemed a  hopeless endeavor, they soon realized.

Nevertheless, they went back at low tide the next day to look some more.  DB let GESon out at the beach, then went in search of a supply of quarters for the parking meter which, in a town that derives much of its revenues from parking fees, is always hungry.

GES looked up the beach and spied. . .

By the time DB parked the car, they were already searching.  One of the guys is known   as “best in the Southeast” and the other has been doing this for 61 years, so these weren’t guys trying out a new toy.  Good Egg described the ring and the guys said that platinum was heavy and would sink immediately.

They do this for fun.  Good thing, since they’d found only 24 cents so far that day.

The four of them looked for about an hour, then DB and Good Egg resignedly returned to the house.  About 30 minutes later, GE’s phone rang.  The guys had found a band underneath about six inches of sand.

To be specific, this ring:

The metal detector guys left the beach with a reward which was considerably larger than the 24 cents in their pockets,  GE left the beach with his wedding band back on his finger, and DB left for the golf course so that Good Egg could help him find out what was missing from his golf swing.

The next morning Miss Piggy and I headed for the beach because I’d heard the magic phrase “eating out every meal.”  I wanted some of that action.  It had a nice ring to it.

Dog Days At The Beach

When we go down to the beach-house-not-on-the-beach in June,  it should be interesting, even if it isn’t exactly relaxing.

  • We have the house there on the market.  There have been a trickle of lookers.
  • We will have Granddog Ivy and Miss Piggy with us for six weeks.  Three of the grandsons and their parents will be staying at the beach, but they will be in and out.  JOY!  And mayhem.
  • I’m not known for my tidiness.
  • Oh yes… Beryl is coming this week, bringing wind and rain.  Yard cleanup.

One of our neighbors there says that traffic is already heavy. Everyone who isn’t on the beach is in cars, clogging the roads.

Everyone.   She sent a photo she took at a traffic light to prove her point.

Cool Dude!

Dearly Beloved and I have decided that whenever the house is being shown, we’ll take the dogs for a drive, since they aren’t allowed on the beach this time of year.  That’s good–for the dogs’ sake. The last time I looked on the internet, there were 938,000 sites for doggy beachwear.  Grrrrrrr!!!

Still, a sunhat for Ivy might be in order.

Get the Picture?

When I was born, one of my mother’s aunts (the one after whom I was named) began a photo album which she gave  to me when I was 13. . . a very wise move, since by then I was all knobby knees, frizzy perms,  braces, and terminal camera-shyness.

The album was a lovely idea.

The photos, all black and white, were taken in the days of boxy Brownie cameras and one-time usage flashbulbs which bubbled and popped and temporarily blinded a generation of startled babies.

I realized later that, although the album was full of photos,  it wasn’t exactly a pictorial diary of my childhood.  My aunt lived in another town, so the occasions that she visited and remembered to bring her camera weren’t that frequent.  A dozen or so photos of me as a baby show me in a sunsuit lying on a blanket on the front porch, along with another dozen or so of me as a toddler in a snowsuit.  A couple of pages were full of my cousin Margaret and me about 3 or 4, wearing the same plaid dresses in every picture.  After that, it skipped to a spring when I was 7 or 8.   I can tell that it was Easter by the corsage pinned to my jacket (which was called a “topper”) and my sporty white tam.

Welcome to the pre-digital camera age.

I got through childhood in four outfits.

When Dearly Beloved and I bought an expensive 35mm camera, digital cameras were already becoming popular, but we were purists.  Besides, DB was mightily impressed that big green camera case on a strap around his neck made him look so official that a press pass would have been superfluous.  He assumed the role of Photographer Pompous Presidentus.

He bought a magnifying lens after an impressive demonstration by the sales clerk allowed  him to read the Do not leave child unattended warning on a shopping cart left in the back of the parking lot across from the store.   I doubt that the lens cap was ever removed from that sucker.

Nevertheless, DB’s photography sessions mimicked my aunt’s except that his rarely included people.  The envelope of photos he’d probably have called Cardinal, would have been more aptly identified as Red Dot on a Branch.

The camera broke, the manufacturer went out of business, and we bought a Point and Shoot in which DB has absolutely no interest.  BUT, even though he protested when Good Egg Son gave him an iPhone for his birthday, he has surprised us by becoming an iPhone Fiend, regularly e-mailing pictures, especially to our kids.

Many are taken while walking on the beach.  He called this one Mother and Daughter in the subject line of his e-mail and included a note that he’d asked the woman’s permission before he snapped it.

Slacker explained the marijuana haze just ahead of him as he walked back to his car.

DB is merciless about sending pictures of sailboats and ocean waves to our son and SIL’s… during their working hours, of course.  They’re clearly recognizable as boats, not dots on the sea.   This one looks like an oil canvas to me.

Here’s  my current favorite.  He took it a couple of weeks ago, looking out the sunroom windows.  He thought of it as Reflections.

Thinking back to that red dot on the branch, I’d call it  Enlightened.

I hate cameras. They are so much more sure than I am about everything.
John Steinbeck

How can a society that exists on instant mashed potatoes, packaged cake mixes, frozen dinners, and instant cameras teach patience to its young?
Paul Sweeney